Matter over Mind
by Vera Amber
Summary: -Complete!- The flock and a Verallion OCs have a bunch of whacky adventures. Utterly silly, random, and cracky. Read: pure nonsense. Rated T because of paranoia, cursing, and spit-swapping. Fax. Eggy. Other pairings. Pre-Fang.
1. THAT CREEPY MARIONETTE TRIED TO EAT ME!

**Ok, so the next part is sort of explanation that's actually part of the story. This here's an Author's Note. This entire story is going to be either in Max's POV or third person. That's it.**

**Beware: This FF is full of complete and utter randomness, along with a bit of confusion, jammed together with total silliness. The possibility of OOCness, but, then, what do you expect when Max's hair catches on fire and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a flaming pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS!**

**How knew so much could happen around a window-stuckage?**

**Disclaimer: The Flock and associated characters belong to JP. However, I own the phrases "TBOs", "UHO", and "Zoi", along with John A., John C., John E., John S., and John T. Oh, and Norman Quacks.**

_Let me tell you about the time I got stuck in a window. Now, it's a very long story that involves chlorinated-green hair covered in purple lipstick, a marionette that looks like Brad Pitt, but with Angelina Jolie's lips, a pair of fuchsia boy shorts on a girly hanger, and a jet plane made of old cheese, and that's only in the first chapter, so don't expect anything boring. Expect something wild: like blue oranges, or turquoise lemons, or quite possibly burgundy limes._

_This story starts at a mall, heads through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart,a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hangar, quite a few funny farms, and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof. Where will it end? Why_, mes amies_, you're going to have to read to find out!_

_Every that happened in the following month, from choking on dried oregano to decapitating Princess Charmings, started at one very commonplace location, somewhere in the middle of Arizona..._

I can't believe they dragged me into this. We'd been at home. Well, Dr. Martinez, my mom's home. We'd been watched TV, all of us, when someone has a just _awesome_ idea: "Hey Max, you know we haven't been shopping in, like, forever and plus we're going to need new clothes and stuff are we don't even have any bathing suits and it's the beginning of July and we're really close to a close so wouldn't it be just awesome if we could, like, go shopping at a mall or whatever?"

It was, of course, Nudge. I didn't want to go at first, but after intense convincing from Nudge, Angel, Ella, and, GASP!, Fang, I finally relented. The conversation went something like this:

*FLASHBACK*

"Well, Nudge, sweetie-"

Angel cut me off. "Max, I want to go shopping, too."

I was faced with three pairs of adorable Bambi eyes. Who knew Ella could make such awesome Bambi eyes?

"But-"

This time, Fang cut me off. "We do need to get new clothes."

I glared at him, but he ignored it. Then I looked but at the Terrible Bambi-eyed Ones, AKA the TBOs, and let them go shopping.

*END OF THAT DARNED FLASHBACK*

So, they dragged me off to Abercrombie and Fitch. Why, I must ask, did they take me to Abercrombie and Fitch for a _bathing suit_!? I have no idea. The boys went shopping somewhere else. Total vouched to stay home; he didn't want to go swimming, anyway.

Angel got this adorable pink one-piece with purple sparkles all over it, Nudge got a super-cute blue two-piece, and Ella got a skimpy-ish orange two-piece with yellow streaks. Finally, it was my turn. They literally had to drag me across the floor and into the changing room in order to try anything on.

The first thing they tossed over the door I rejected immediately. It was a turquoise two-piece that had half as much fabric as Ella's did. Maybe seven inches. More like four. Definitely four. I yelled over the door, "NO WAY AM I WEARING THIS!"

Ella called back, "TRY IT ON OR WE'RE SICCING GAZZY ON YOU!"

I sighed at put the bikini on. I walked out of the changing room. "I-" I would've said more, but that was all I got out before Nudge said, "ZOMG Max! You so have to get that bathing suit! It's so cute and Fang will love it!"

Then Ella said, "Yeah, Max, that bikini's awesome!"

"What does Fang have to do with this?"

Angel said, "C'mon Max, I'm seven and even _I_ can tell you and Fang like each other."

I spluttered for a moment. Then I said, "I don't like-"

"You're getting it! And that's final." Ella gave me a glare. Sometimes she can be scarier than me on a rampage. She can do Bambi eyes _and_ an evil glare? Yikes.

"But-"

"No buts."

Then they pushed me back into the changing room to get my clothes back on. When I came out, I tried to protest that I didn't actually _want_ a bathing suit, but they wouldn't let me get a word out.

We met up with the boys in the food court. They had all gotten swim trunks, and Dr. Martinez-MOM- had gotten a bathing suit, too. Didn't she already own one? Whatever.

We bore down on the french fries and pizza. After lunch, we headed to the pool.

Everyone went into those little stalls to get their bathing suits on. I came out last. When Fang saw me, he gaped. I closed his mouth and told him, "You're going to catch flies."

Then I saw my mom. Seriously, she actually looked _hot_. It was a black two-piece with splashes of color all over it. She saw my look and grinned. I just shook my head at her.

I went over to a beach chair to read a book. The little ones started playing in the water, and Nudge also grabbed a chair.

Fang and Iggy were talking; Fang probably described the "beach" bunnies to him. He was grinning manically. Iggy I mean, not Fang. Well, Fang could've been grinning manically, I couldn't really see him that well, but he really isn't one to grin manically. Fang kept glancing at me, though, so he might've been talking about me. I dunno.

I went back to reading my book. Suddenly, someone picked me up, knocking my book over, and tossed me into the pool. I yelped. "What the-?"

Then I saw Fang. He was standing by my chair, laughing his head off. I caught Ella's eye. She had been a chair away from me. She slowly crept up behind Fang while I treaded water, then tackled him, throwing them both into the pool.

Mom shook her head and muttered in mock disgust, "Kids."

Ella and I high-fived. Out of nowhere, Gazzy splashed a huge wall of water in our faces. I spluttered and gasped or breath for a moment, then splashed him back, hitting him and Fang. Then Nudge dived into the pool, and it became a full-out water fight.

When Angel splashed Nudge, Mom got soaked, mainly because she was only a few feet away from the pool's edge. Mom threw a UHO - Unidentified Heavy Object - at their heads. They ducked, thankfully, but the UHO landed in the pool, and it had to have been pretty heavy, considered everyone in and within ten feet of the pool got drenched.

Inadvertently soaked herself more thoroughly made me burst out laughing. While I was laughing my head off, Ella lunged at me and dunked me under the water.

After a couple of hours, we went back home.

Total grumbled that we were getting him soaked, even though the only part of us that was wet was our hair.

Later that night, when I was getting my pajamas on, I looked in the mirror. I gazed with horror at my reflection. "ELLA!" I screamed.

She came running. "What is it Max- oh."

She stared at my hair, which was a peculiar shade of green. "Why is my hair green!?"

"Probably the chlorine. It does that to blonde hair sometimes."

I sighed. I went back to my room, hoping to avoid everyone, to know avail. Gazzy saw me, and he instantly cracked out laughing. This brought the attention of Fang, Nudge, Iggy, and Angel to me. Fang half-grinned, his version of an unbridled chortle.

**(A/N: I believe that's a quote straight from Maximum Ride... ha, and I didn't even do it on purpose!)**

Iggy asked what was up, and Nudge said through her laughter that "Max's hair is a really weird shade of green and its super funny because can you just imagine Max with green hair I wonder what caused it!?"

I sighed. "It was the chlorine."

Angel was giggling. Only a seven-year-old can pull off giggling without seeming like a preppy cheerleader.

I ran to my room, opened the window, and dived out. On my way there, I knocked over a small, black tube. Unfortunately, I got stuck. That's right; the fearless-kick-your-ass-to-next-Wednesday Maximum Ride was stuck in a window. Imagine my embarrassment. The green hair didn't help.

Turns out, the small, black tube was a tube of purple lipstick. It, _somehow_, got stuck in my hair. Maybe chlorine sticks to whatever purple lipstick is made of? Whatever. Anyway, THAT got all in my hair, so now I had chlorine-caused green hair with lipstick-caused purple streaks. Oh yeah, it didn't help that I was STUCK IN A WINDOW. And it was only eight'o'clock.

Everyone, including Iggy and Total, were laughing at me because I was stuck in a window with green-and-purple hair. _Well, I'll show them!_ I thought.

Kicking with my legs, and accidentally hitting Iggy in the face, I got all the way out the window. Of course, I didn't get my wings out fast enough, so I landed face first on the ground.

Fang dived after me to come and get me, but he also got stuck in the window. I took a running start, and launched up into the air, flying at super-speed away from them.

I flew for, oh, maybe three miles. I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going, so I ran into a bird.

It was a pretty big bird, in fact, and it caused me to drop like a, well, aerodynamic birdkid.

I tumbled through the air, but somehow I got my feet underneath me and skidded onto a roof of some building. I didn't actually keep my footing, though.

The some girl came up onto the roof, holding what appeared to be a mini-person who had great resemblance to Brad Pitt. When she came closer, I realized it was a Brad Pitt marionette, but with Angelina Jolie's lips.

She said, "Hello?"

"Who are you?" I asked her. I seriously didn't trust her.

"I'm Joh-" but then she tripped over air, and the marionette-that-looked-like-Brad-Pitt-but-with-Angelina-Jolie's-lips smacked my forehead.

The girl stumbled to her feet, still holding the marionette, and said, "Zoi! I'm so sorry! I'm such a klutz..." Then she looked at my hair. I was prepared for laughter, but all she said was, "Green with purple streaks. Sweet."

"So who are you?"

"Joh-"

Suddenly Fang landed. "Max, I shouldn't have laughed at you."

The girl tries to walk over to Fang to do something, but she trips over her own feet, and _he_ gets smacked on the forehead by the marionette. She doesn't even seem to notice his wings.

"Zoi! God, I'm such a klutz! Sorry, I can trip over anything..."

Fang wrenched her arms behind her back, but she did this weird flippy thing, nearly kicked Fang in the face, so he was holding her upside down. "Hiya!" she grinned. "You know, that was an accident."

Fang let her go, but she flipped back around. Her forehead whacked his shoulder, though, and it made a resounding CLANG, so it had to have hurt.

"Zoi! And ouch." She rubbed her forehead.

Suddenly, some other boy came onto the roof. He was holding something weird in his left hand, but I couldn't tell what it was in the dim light.

"Sis, what is it..." He trailed of when he saw us.

He walked closely, looking much less accident-prone than the girl, and I saw that he was holding a hanger with a pair of shorts. That might not seem THAT weird, but the hanger was pink and flowery, and even though the shorts were definitely for boys, they were fuchsia.

Out of nowhere, a slightly moldy looking, greenish-yellow paper-sized airplane flew straight at the boy and knocked the hanger and the shorts out of his hand.

Gazzy skidded to a landing next to Fang. He glanced up at the sky, and Nudge landed next to him. Nudge grabbed the yellow plane, which I realized was a jet plane made of old cheese, and took a big bite out of it.

Gazzy and Nudge both said at the same time, "Sorry for laughing at you."

Nudge said it in her normal Nudge-y voice, but Gazzy sounded remarkably like a preppy cheerleader.

Some _other_ boy hopped onto the roof, exactly where the first boy had. Actually, the girl and the two boys looked close enough to be siblings.

Anyway, the second boy walked over. He winked his right eye, then his left eye, then his right eye, then his left eye, then repeated. I blinked at him.

Then Iggy landed. You're going to think I'm crazy, but it looked like he was juggling, get this, blue oranges, turquoise lemons, and burgundy limes. He was also whistling Skater Boy, AKA Sk8r Boi, by Avril Lavigne. He said while whistling, "I have no reason to apologize to you since I'm blind."

A THIRD boy tackled Iggy, and chomped down on a burgundy lime that he dropped. He chews for a moment, then sprays everyone with burgundy lime juice.

Then Angel landed. Her hair was standing straight on end, as if she's shoved a fork into a power socket. She grabbed a turquoise lemon, and chewed it slowly.

She spit the entire pulpy wad into the boy that was winking's face. This caused him to stop winking.

I grabbed one of the blue oranges, and shoved it into the Bradgelina marionette's face. Why? 'Cause I felt like it.

The girl tripped over the boy short on the hanger, then tripped over what was left of the jet plane, then over the marionette, which she was holding a foot off the ground, then the colorful fruit, then Iggy, and _then_ over my feet.

This caused her to fall on top of pretty much everything. "Zoi!" she shouted.

Everyone got smacked somewhere or other by the marionette. Everyone was dumbstruck. A _fourth_ boy appeared, then started shoving bits of old cheese and turquoise lemons into his mouth. He appeared to have a weakness for them.

Then everyone started grabbing fruit and throwing it at each other. The boy shorts made a handy slingshot, the marionette had, like, three pieces of fruit jammed into it, so every time it hit something, or some_one_, an explosion of juice occurred, and the cheese was quite flavorful when mixed with whatever else was being used as weapons.

The conversation went something like this:

"GIMME MY MARIONETTE BACK!"

"Nuh-uh! You'll use it to fruitify me!"

CLANG

CLANG

"Ow."

"Those are mine! Mine I tell you, all mine!"

BANG

"Want some old cheese?"

"ZOI!"

CLICK

"Zippidy-doo-dah, cheesy-fruit-ae, my, oh, my, what a wonderful-"

BOOMBANGKA-CLANG

"CHEESE! Ooh boy, do I looove turquoise lemons!"

WHAP

"Everybody was fruit-y-fighting, yeah!"

"SHUT UP!"

SMACK

"Are you guys on Valium?"

SMACK

"GOD! I HATE VALIUM!"

SMACK

"Um, guys? Where'd my shirt go?"

"Aw, who gives a curse word!?"

KA-WHACKITY

"MY POOKIE-SNOOKUMS!"

BOOMBOOMPOW

"Black-eye Peas?"

"CHEESE!"

SMACKITYBANG

"Who just shoved a blue orange up my nose!?"

"Aw, stick it on a label and duck tape it to my forehead!"

CRACK

"ZOI!"

BANG

"ZOI!"

SMACK

"ZOI!"

CLANG

"ZOI!"

"He was a skater boy, she said see ya lata boy, he wasn't good enough for her! Now he's a superstar, slammin' on his guitar, does your pretty face see what he's worth-"

SMACKITYCLANGCLANGBANGKA-CRACKCHINGMONKEY

"MONKEY!?"

"Monkey. OW!!!!!!"

SMACKOWSMACK

"Gimme dat!"

"Aw, go to funkytown!"

KA-BOOM

"Chipmunks?"

BANG

"Gosh darn it, we're Valium-looped!"

"Fang, I loooove you dis much!"

ZINGWHAP

"ZOI!"

"THAT CREEPY MARIONETTE TRIED TO EAT ME!"

CRACK

'"How the curse word did Valium get into out bloodstreams!?"

"I CALL A FRUICE!"

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

"FRUICE!"

Everyone collapsed away from each other.I inspected the damage. Nudge had a blue orange shoved up her nose, the marionette was on the verge of decapitation, the boy shorts were shredded, my shirt was missing, so I was wearing only a bra, Angel's hair was a creepy shade of blue, the girl had a million bruises, the winky boy was drooling, Fang had a purple eye, Gazzy had a wad of duck tape on his forehead, Iggy had a bloody nose, the boy shorts kid was hopping around on one foot, and the boy that tackled Iggy was turned a curious shade of peach. Oh, and everyone had bruises and cuts and was covered in fruity juice and bits of cheese.

The marionette was also dripping juice. I have no idea how Iggy could've juggled so many fruits; we had thrown around fifty.

Then the Nudge Channel turned on. "Wrinkles, doors, planets, water, does it really mater which one we're talking about here? They're all, like, super awesome and Madeleine does rock and all and have any of you ever even read her?"

Fang had disappeared, but, when I looked around, I saw wads of old cheese floating in the air, so I knew that's where he was.

The girl asked, "Fruice?"

The boy shorts boy replied, "Fruity truce."

"Oh."

We all stared at each other. Then the girl said, "Well, I'm John S. - Janice. Boy shorts boy is John A. - Johnnay, winky boy is John C. - Johncy, burgundy lime boy is John T. - Johnty, and cheese-and-turquoise-lemon boy is John E. - Johnny. They're all my brothers."

I replied, "I'm Max, invisible boy is Fang, Skater Boy boy is Iggy, blue-orange-up-her-nose girl is Nudge, cheese-plane boy is Gazzy, and hair-standing-up girl is Angel."

Everyone was facing me, so I was the first one to notice the video camera. It popped up out of nowhere. I gaped at it, and everyone turned to face it.

A guy with a microphone popped up next the camera. "Hello, I'm Norman Quacks. What we just witnessed was quite hilarious. We're going to feature it on the nightly news."

Norman Quacks and the cameraman suddenly had a large number of items headed for them: a bunch of blue oranges, turquoise lemons, burgundy limes, bits of cheese, strips of fabric from a pair of fuchsia boy shorts, a pink hanger, and a nearly decapitated marionette of Brad Pitt but with Angelina Jolie's lips, among other things.

The Bradgelina marionette became completely decapitated, and Janice yelled, "MY PRINCESS CHARMINGS! NOOO..."

The camera started shooting sparks because of the colorful fruit juice, so the cameraguy chucked it towards us. Everyone but Janice dived out of the way. Janice tried to dive out of the way, too, but she tripped over her own feet, again, and yelled "Zoi!"

The camera missed her head by, like, two inches.

Suddenly, Ella crawled onto the roof, panting. "Did I miss anything?"

**Mkay, this is an idea I came up with while reviewing for a FF, on 7/6/09. In fact, quite a lot of my ideas come from reviews. It was for Misjudgement, by El Kimmiie:**

HAHA! Totally random! :) Yet, once again, interesting! :)

Moi: So, Maxy, dear, how'd you get stuck in a window?  
Max: It's a very long story that involves purple lipstick, a marionette that looks like Brad Pitt, but with Angelina Jolie's lips, a pair of fuchsia boy shorts on a girl hanger, and a jet plane made of old cheese.  
Moi: I REALLY, don't wanna know. Wait, I could turn that into a oneshot...  
Max: DON'T YOU DARE!  
Moi: *laughs evilly in great resemblance to Angel*

Vera

**Ya see? That got me started, and I sorta added onto to that, and tada! When I started this, I didn't plan anything: I just went with whatever I came up with. I'm going to put the next chapter up whenever I get ten reviews; I already have it finished, but I want some input people! Suggestions, criticisms, flames, ideas, input, scorns, WHATEVER! Just review! If you don't I'll sic the decapitated Bradgelina marionette on you. JANICE IS AT MY COMMAND! MWA-HA-HA!!!**

**NOTE: EVEN THOUGH I SAY I COULD TURN THIS INTO A ONESHOT, THIS IS ****_NOT_ ACTUALLY A ONESHOT. IT IS A FULL STORY, AND ****_WILL_ CONTAIN MULTIPLE CHAPTERS.**


	2. Dang hungry emos

**Ok, I give up with the ten review thing! I won't be able to post anything from July 15th to the end of August, so I'm just going to put up chapters like crazy. :) Mkay, here goes. Oh, and the "main" characters are Max, Ella, and Janice. My reasoning? Max is always a main character, Ella is, like, shunned (SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS!) in the actual books, and I just love Janice. She's fun 'cause I can do whatever I want to her without making her OOC!**

**Beware: This FF is full of complete and utter randomness, along with a bit of confusion, jammed together with total silliness. The possibility of OOCness, but, then, what do you expect when Max's hair catches on fire and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a flaming pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS!**

**Who knew so much could happen around a funny farm-escapage?**

**Disclaimer: The Flock and associated characters belong to JP. However, I own the phrases "TBOs" and "Zoi", along with John A., John C., John E., John S., and John T. Oh, and Norman Quacks. Sprinkles the Emo Cupcake is owned by Skittles, AKA Fangalicous08.**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

"Hello, I'm Norman Quacks. What we just witnessed was quite hilarious. We're going to feature it on the nightly news."

Norman Quacks and the cameraman suddenly had a large number of items headed for them: a bunch of blue oranges, turquoise lemons, burgundy limes, bits of cheese, strips of fabric from a pair of fuchsia boy shorts, a pink hanger, and a nearly decapitated marionette of Brad Pitt but with Angelina Jolie's lips, among other things.

The Bradgelina marionette became completely decapitated, and Janice yelled, "MY PRINCESS CHARMINGS! NOOO..."

The camera started shooting sparks because of the colorful fruit juice, so the cameraguy chucked it towards us. Everyone but Janice dived out of the way. Janice tried to dive out of the way, too, but she tripped over her own feet, again, and yelled "Zoi!"

The camera missed her head by, like, two inches.

Suddenly, Ella crawled onto the roof, panting. "Did I miss anything?"

And now...

_Let me tell you about the time I was interviewed by a TV station, just so I could escape from a funny farm. __Now, it's a very long story that involves chlorinated-green hair covered in purple lipstick, a decapitated marionette named Princess Charmings that looks like Brad Pitt, but with Angelina Jolie's lips, and a girl with a blue orange stuck up her nose, and a battle on skateboards that involves straight jackets and eggs - right in middle of Wal-Mart, and that's only in the second chapter, so don't expect anything boring. Expect something wild: like a girl named Skittles, or a nonexistent edition hardcover copy of a _COMPLETED_ Midnight Sun, or quite possibly a baseball cap covered in crayon shavings._

_This story started at a mall, headed through a pool and a theater. This chapter begins at the theater, but then heads through a television station, a Wal-Mart, a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hangar, quite a few funny farms, and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof. Where will it end? Why_, mes amies_, you're going to have to read to find out!_

_All of the mental instability that happened in the following month started in one location, somewhere in the middle of Arizona..._

I was as shocked as anyone. We were around three miles away, and Ella had gotten here so quickly?

Ella, noticing my expression, said, "You guys left half an hour ago."

I blinked.

"Who's this?" Ella asked, nodding towards the Johns and Norman Quacks.

"Well, I'm John S. - Janice. That's John A. - Johnnay, that's John C. - Johncy, that's John T. - Johnty, and that's John E. - Johnny. They're my brothers."

Janice pointed to each of her brothers in turn. "And who are you?"

"Ella, Max's half-sister. So, what happened?"

Johnnay offered, "A battle that involved blue oranges, turquoise lemons, burgundy limes, a marionette named Princess Charmings that looks like Brad Pitt but with Angelina Jolie's lips, a pair of fuchsia boy shorts, a pink hanger with flowers on it, and a jet plane made of old cheese."

Ella nodded knowingly. Gazzy sneaked over to the video camera and popped it open, then he pulled out the tape. He held it up. Janice said, "Lemme see it!"

Gazzy tossed it at her, grinning in a very Angel-like way - meaning evilly. Janice looked over the tape. "It's still good!"

Then Janice, who was standing still, fell flat on her face. She hadn't moved an inch, and nothing had touched her. "Zoi!"

Norman Quacks said, "Well, since you wrecked out camera, shouldn't we at least get an interview out of you?"

"Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea..." I trailed off because the TBOs were giving me their signature look. I was about to resist further, then fail miserably, when a white ambulance, lights flashing, pulled up.

Three guys hopped out, holding fourteen of what looked remarkably like straight jackets. They approached us slowly, as if stalking a jittery deer. The called out smoothly and simultaneously, making it creepy, "It's alright. Nothing's going to hurt you. We're here to help you."

"On second thought!"

The flock and I dived off the roof, the Johns rappelled down the wall with already-placed ropes, Ella held on for dear life as she slid down the side of the building, and Norman Quacks and the cameraguy scuttled down the latter. All fourteen of us piled into one of those TV vans - presumably the TV van that Norman Quacks had come in. It was made for, like, six people, so _everyone_ got squished.

Janice accidentally banged her elbow on the door, then on Johnty's face. "ZOI!"

Norman Quacks revved the engine, and we hot-tailed it out of there. The three creepies were still stalking towards the roof with their straight jackets, and still repeating simultaneously those whacky soothing phrases.

We skidded around a few corners. Everyone but Janice held still; she kept whacking her elbows and knees and head against everything and everyone, and yelling "ZOI!"

We skidded to a stop in front of the studio, and we dived out. Unfortunately, when fourteen people try to dive out four doors simultaneously, it's a little hard _not_ to get whacked. Or jammed in the doorways. Norman Quacks got jammed next to the cameraguy, Nudge, and Gazzy; Fang, Iggy, Ella, Janice, and I got jammed together; and Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, and Johnty got jammed together. Angel escaped through the window. Strangely, no one had tried to get out using the fourth door.

It took me only seconds to realize how unfortunate I was to get jammed next to Janice. I got elbowed in the back of the head about eight times. Creepily enough, my face was only two inches from Fang's. Ella was kneeing me in the leg. Oh, and the back of Iggy's head was pressed up against my right arm. I held my breath, and slowly slid out of the car.

I collapsed on the ground, wheezing and gasping for breath. I hadn't noticed it, but Gazzy had escaped from where he was stuck. The Johns, not counted Janice, appeared to be having a battle over a piece of fuzz. While jammed next to each other in a car door.

Finally, Ella popped herself form the doorway, pretty much at the same time Nudge did. By yanking on his arms, Ella and I got Fang out. That left Iggy and Janice. "Nudge, Angel, Gazzy," I commanded. "go try to get the Johns out."

They went around to the other side of the car. Fang and I yanked on Iggy's arms while Ella was pushing his feet, to no avail. We tried again. On the third try, we got him out. Janice was still stuck. How can someone who has a waist that, at the very, very most, is thirteen inches wide get stuck in a doorway three-and-a-half feet wide? Blame it on her luck.

I noticed the little kids had gotten Johnny out, leaving the other three brothers. They were currently working on Johnty. The four of us, Fang, Ella, Iggy, and I, _finally_ her out. Unfortunately, we had waaay too much momentum, and all of crashed into a brick wall. Can I just say ow?

We were a tangle of arm, legs, and Janice. I crawled out of the destruction, as did Fang, Iggy, and Ella. Janice wasn't so lucky. It appeared all three bones in her left index and right ring fingers where broken. She also looked to have a dislocated shoulder.

She popped the shoulder back into place, seeming to have done it quite a lot of times. Looking at her fingers, she said, "Oh, it's not that bad. Doesn't even really hurt much." she glanced up at us and saw our amazed expressions. "I've broken twenty-four bones in total. Quite a lot of those bones, actually, more than one, so maybe... fifty-two times?"

She shrugged as if it were nothing and yanked on her fingers so the bones would set right.

All four of her brothers, accompanied by Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel came around the van. Johnnay saw her and sighed. "How many bones did you break this time, sis?"

She put her hands on her hips, which had to have hurt a lot, but she didn't show any pain, and said, "Only six! And they were all in my fingers!"

He just shook his head.

"Hey, what are we going to do about Norman and the cameraguy?" Ella asked everyone. Everyone shrugged simultaneously, and we all looked at Norman. "Uh... help?" he asked squeakily.

Janice laughed. She wrapped her arm around his and yanked. He moved about half an inch. "C'mon, help me you guys!"

I grabbed Norman's other arm. Both of us yanked. We got him to move, but only a little more than Janice had moved him.

I motioned to the flock, and they started helping us. The Johns just stood there until Janice glared at them, then they came to help.

After, oh, ten minutes, we finally unjammed them. There were a bunch of bystanders staring at us, but we all ignored them. Then I remember I wasn't wearing a shirt. Oops. Norman, who had twisted his ankle, limped into the door, followed by the cameraguy and the rest of us.

I'm not going to go into all of the boring details. It took forever. Let's just say the make-up person's going to have some bruises in the morning. Oh, and we got the blue orange out of Nudge's nose.

While we were waiting for something or other, Gazzy gave me something to eat. Now, it must seem like a really bad idea to eat something Gazzy gave me, but I was starving, and plus, I didn't think he'd pull anything - THINK. He actually said it was food. I put it in my mouth without really looking at it, then swallowed without really tasting it. Then I started choking.

I wheezed at Gazzy, "You gave me dried oregano to eat!?"

FINALLY, we were done doing stuff.

"Hello, Arizona! Norman Quacks here. Today something very interesting happened today. I was on the prowl with my cameraman, Larry, when I came across this."

He gestured to some guy. On the screen that showed what was being shown on TV, the video of us fighting with multi-colored fruit appeared.

It was this part:

"GOD! I HATE VALIUM!"

SMACK

"Um, guys? Where'd my shirt go?"

"Aw, who gives a curse word!?"

KA-WHACKITY

"MY POOKIE-SNOOKUMS!"

BOOMBOOMPOW

"Black-eyed Peas?"

"CHEESE!"

SMACKITYBANG

"Who just shoved a blue orange up my nose!?"

"Aw, stick it on a label and duct tape it to my forehead!"

CRACK

"ZOI!"

Norman gestured again. It switched back to Norman. I bet if Mom were watching this she's be choking. Then I remembered something. I looked down, and realized I _still_ was only wearing a bra. I squeaked and dived off set to go find a shirt.

I did find a shirt, and came back onto set. They were showing a different part of the video.

"He was a skater boy, she said see ya lata boy, he wasn't good enough for her! Now he's a superstar, slammin' on his guitar, does your pretty face see what he's worth-"

SMACKITYCLANGCLANGBANGKA-CRACKCHINGMONKEY

"MONKEY!?"

"Monkey. OW!!!!!!"

SMACKOWSMACK

"Gimme dat!"

"Aw, go to funkytown!"

KA-BOOM

"Chipmunks?"

BANG

"Gosh darn it, we're Valium-looped!"

"Fang, I loooove you dis much!"

ZINGWHAP

"ZOI!"

Norman gestured, once again. Wow, he was really good at gesturing! Angel grinned, so I knew she heard my thoughts.

"As you can see, it was quite an interesting battle. After they finished fighting, three men tried to take us away in an ambulance. Using fourteen straight jackets. Here with me I have Janice, who participated in the fight. Janice, what do you have to say?"

Janice stepped up and grinned. "Well, lemme tell ya folks, fighting with multi-colored fruit, bits of old cheese, and a marionette is actually far more interesting than it seems. It becomes quite funny when you have a conversation about Valium and chipmunks during it."

Then she took a step back, and fell flat on her back. "Zoi."

She rolled over, so she was on her stomach, and jumped to her feet. Norman cleared his throat. "Right. And here's Max, leader of the Flock, who also participated in the battle. Max?"

I stepped forward, crossed my arms, and glared at Norman. "You know Normy, we only did this to get away from the guys with straight jackets."

"Norman." he corrected.

"Since there are no longer any guys with straight jackets chasing after us, I think its time to go."

I stalked out of there, with the Flock, the Johns, and Ella following after me. "Wait!" Norman called after me, but I ignored him.

When we got outside, a girl walked up to us. She was wearing a Solar Sox, Mesa's local baseball team, baseball cap, covered in what appeared to be crayon shavings. She was holding a book in her hand.

She smiled and said, "OHMYPICKLEJUICE I MADE IT! Hey, I'm Skittles, you guys freakin' RULE! Here's a random peace offering the author's making me give you."

She handed me the book. I looked down and saw a nonexistent edition complete Midnight Sun copy. I glanced back up, but she was walking away. Then she wheeled around. "Oh, and I kidnapped an AU version of him, not the real one. Now I must go feed him before he tries to eat Sprinkles the Emo Cupcake. Dang hungry emos..."

Then the girl - Skittles - jogged away into darkness. I stared at where she was last standing. "That was weird." Janice remarked. Angel and Nudge nodded. Fang looked off into nothingness with a strange look on his face. Iggy and Gazzy were ignoring us, chatting quietly. Uh-oh. Johncy and Johnty were also chatting quietly. Johnnay was benign. Johnny was fiddling with a GameBoy that had appeared out of nowhere.

Suddenly, the white ambulance pulled up again. The three guys hopped out again, but this time they only had twelve straight jackets.

"UP AND AWAY!" I shouted. The Flock and I took a running started and jumped into the air. Ella started jumping up and down and waving her arms. "HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME!?"

Janice pulled something out of her back pocket. She snapped it open, dropped it on the ground, and skateboarded away.

Ella realized we weren't going to come and get her, started running in the same direction Janice had gone. She was _fast_. Johnnay dived into the rosebushes.

Johncy and Johnty started running in circles. Johnny walked off with a casual pace, still fiddling with the GameBoy.

We flew for around half a mile, until that stupid bird crashed into me again! This time, I landed a few feet in front of Wal-Mart. Janice skateboarded up to me.

"You know how to skateboard!?" she yelled at me.

"NO!"

She sighed, grabbed my hand, pulled me up, and stuck me on the skateboard behind her. She was about to push off when Ella came running up. Janice asked her the same question she'd asked me, and Ella nodded. Janice tossed her another skateboard. They pushed off at the same time. "HOLD ON!"

They skidded through the automatic doors just as the Flock landed and the ambulance pulled up. We saw that they had Johncy, Johnny, and Johnty in straight jackets. Johnnay was nowhere to be seen.

Janice started throwing folded-up skateboards at the Flock. None of them knew how to skateboard, but there's no time to learn like the present!

We shot through the pharmacy aisle, and people dived out of our way. Past the cat food and the chocolate, we turned near the bikes.

We swerved and turned and such through Wal-Mart, the three creepies following after us.

"DUCK!" Ella shouted back at us. Everyone but Angel ducked. Angel was short enough already.

We ducked under a display case that, had we been standing upright, would've made us look like Princess Charmings.

We darted through the frozen isle, and I grabbed a pack of eggs, and started throwing the eggs at our pursuers. Everyone else did the same.

"TAKE _THAT_ CREEPY DUDES!"

"MWA-HA-HA! EAT MY CURSE WORD!"

"EGGS! EGGS! EGGSEGGSEGGS! That's an anagram of geese. Huh."

Then we ran out of eggs. I stared at the empty carton.

Gazzy grabbed a can of whipped cream, and began spraying it at the evil creepies. I grabbed a tub of cool whip, pulled the lid off, and chucked it at one of their heads. Nothing we were doing fazed them.

We skateboarded in circle around the freezer section, throwing everything at them: cool whip, whipped cream, milk, yogurt, orange juice, breakfast rolls, chocolate syrup, etc.

Fang got a good shot; one of the rolls he threw exploded in their faces. Iggy only hit them a third of the time; a third of the time he hit us, maybe a quarter of the time he hit innocent bystanders, and whatever fraction's left after all of that is how much he missed everyone and everything completely.

Wal-Mart's going to really hate us.

We, eventually, ran out of food. "HEAD FOR THE ENTRANCE!"

I have no idea who yelled that; wasn't me. We headed towards where we'd come in. When we got there, Johnnay, who was bleeding a considerable amount, was getting his brothers out of the straight jackets, and Janice went to help him. The key was still in the ignition, so, once everyone was in it, I drove the ambulance out of there. It wasn't as crowded as Norman's van was, but everyone was still a bit squished.

"FIRE IN THE AUTOMATIC DOORS!" Iggy shouted, conveniently two inches right of my left ear, although I have no idea how he was to my left, considering we were in America.

Everyone ducked again, and the automatic doors blew inward, showering the evil creepies in glass shards.

I careened around the corner and took off down the street. I took the straightways fast and the corners faster. Who knew an ambulance could turn on two wheels?

I skidded to a stop in front of my mom's house. "OUTOUTOUT!" I yelled at the passengers. Everyone dived out but me. Fortunately, this time, no one got stuck in the doors. I put the pedal to the metal, then dived out. The ambulance spun down the street, coming to a rest around nine houses over.

All of the lights were off. Ella rang the doorbell twenty times or so, but Dr. Martinez didn't answer. She sighed, the pulled a key from the plant by the door. Then she unlocked the door and went inside, waving for us to come in.

She flicked the lights on to reveal a gruesome scene. Total was...

...

...

...

...lying on the couch. I blinked, then shook my head. Everyone, and I mean _everyone_, crashed on the couch. Simultaneously. On one couch.

Lemme tell ya, it was _a lot_ worse than the van. Instead of being stuck next to each other, everyone landed on top of everyone else. My face landed right on top of Fang's, which meant we were pretty much kissing each other; Ella landed on top of Iggy; Nudge on top of the Johns, not counting Janice; Angel and Gazzy sort of landed on each other; Janice landed on Total; and, uh, who's left? Oh, no one.

Everyone quickly scuttled off the couch, causing everyone to crash into, well, everyone else. We finally got into a semi-neat position: me, Fang, and Janice on the couch; Angel on the TV; Total and Ella by our feet; the Johns minus Janice on the table; and Gazzy, Nudge, and Iggy in chairs.

About three seconds after we situated ourselves, Dr. Martinez walked in the door. She stared. And stared. And stared. Then she said, "Maximum Ride, what you gotten yourself into _now_?"

I cleared my throat and said, "Well, it's all Nudge, Angel, and Ella's fault."

She raised her eyebrows at me. I explained everything that had happened in a slightly erratic, slightly Nudgeian, manner.

All she said was, "Oh."

Suddenly, Janice snapped her fingers. "I forgot to bury Princess Charmings! I need a graveyard, a pickax, and a piece of chalk."

**So, how didja like it!? Good? Bad? Horrible? Awesome? Review no matter what! If you don't, I'll send Norman after you. Skittles is, in fact, a real person. Fangalicous08. I asked her what she wanted her lines to be, and she told me. I quoted her word for word. Since Fang and Max keep landing on top of each other, I'll probably have some Fax in the near future.**

**Max: Yay! Fax!**

**Moi: MAX! ****Oh, the horror! You're OOC!**

**Max: Aw, go to aech-ee-double-toothpicks!**

**Moi: Now THAT'S the Max I know and love.**

**Max: You love me!? AGH! I'm all Fang's, all Fang's...**

**Moi: Ahem. OOC.**

**Oh, and so I know you read these erratic author's notes, put Chalice's Quill somewhere in your review. That's sort of an inside joke; though not so inside, since over a thousand people will get it. All of them located in one state! :) The next chapter goes up whenever I get it finished; should be later today or tomorrow. Cat food! (Only, like, fifty people will get that one!)(For those that don't, think about it: Ciao, chow, etc.)**


	3. Don't forget the cellophane!

**Here's another chapter! -dances to some unheard tune- My goal is to have the word "meese" featured five times in this chapter! (I know, random!).**

**On with the story.**

**Beware: This FF is full of complete and utter randomness, along with a bit of confusion, jammed together with total silliness. The possibility of OOCness, but, then, what do you expect when Max's hair catches on fire and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a flaming pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS! Wait, that's too much fire. FINE. and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS!**

**Who knew so much could happen around a funeral?**

**Disclaimer: I know you know I'm not James Patterson. I know I'm not James Patterson. Never have been, never will be. ****The Flock and associated characters belong to JP. However, I own the phrase "Zoi", along with John A., John C., John E., John S., and John T. The idea and plot are mine, though if you like some of the more random ones, you can use them if you give me credit. Oh, that's right: I own the phrase "WTCW". It means "What The Curse Word". And "WTCCW", which means "What The Cursing Curse Word".**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

Everyone quickly scuttled off the couch, causing everyone to crash into, well, everyone else. We finally got into a semi-neat position: me, Fang, and Janice on the couch; Angel on the TV; Total and Ella by our feet; the Johns minus Janice on the table; and Gazzy, Nudge, and Iggy in chairs.

About three seconds after we situated ourselves, Dr. Martinez walked in the door. She stared. And stared. And stared. Then she said, "Maximum Ride, what you gotten yourself into _now_?"

I cleared my throat and said, "Well, it's all Nudge, Angel, and Ella's fault."

She raised her eyebrows at me. I explained everything that had happened in a slightly erratic, slightly Nudgeian, manner.

All she said was, "Oh."

Suddenly, Janice snapped her fingers. "I forgot to bury Princess Charmings! I need a graveyard, a pickax, and a piece of chalk."

And now...

_Let me tell you about the time I went to a funeral for a marionette. Now, it's a very long story that involves __chlorinated-green hair covered in purple lipstick, a pair of tweezers rusted to a metal spork, an eighteen-meter long ant that speaks French, Latin, and Javanese, and a birdkid covered in bruschetta, and that's only in the third chapter, so don't expect anything boring. Expect something__ wild: like bubbly, or bogus, or quite possibly mind-rain._

**(A/N: Do I hear Scott Westerfield fans rejoicing? Sorry kiddos, no crossover-ness.)**

_This story started at a mall, headed through __pool, a theater, a television station, and a Wal-Mart. This chapter begins at a graveyard, but then heads through a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hanger, quite a few funny farms, and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof. Where will it end? Why_, mes amies_, you're going to have to read to find out!_

_All of the funerality that happened in the following month started at one location that's used waaay to much in MR fanfics... well, it shouldn't because of what I said previously, but this isn't a cursing author's note, so I really should stop ranting now..._

All I could this was _A graveyard? A pickax!? A _piece of chalk_!?!?!?!?!? WTCW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_

Fortunately, I wasn't the only one that was dumbstruck. Mom was staring at Janice like she was a nutjob, which she probably was.

Angel grinned evilly. "Don't forget the cellophane!"

"Right, thanks, and some cellophane."

_Cellophane!?!? WTCCW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_

Janice saw my expression and winked at me.

Then Nudge said something in Nudgeian. It was complete gibberish, and no one but Janice understood. However, we later learned that it meant THIS:

'Hey, you know there's a pickax in the garage, and there's a bunch of chalk in there too, but I'm not entirely certain where you can get cellophane, since I don't think we have any, but I'm pretty sure you can get it at Wal-mart, but I don't know, and, besides, Wal-mart already hates us, so it might not be such a good idea to go there, but, anyway, I don't think we have any cellophane, so we'll probably have to go somewhere to get some.'

Even MORE proof that Nudge is the Queen of Run-On Sentences.

Janice replied, "Well, I think I already have some cellophane, actually."

She reached into her pocket - What _doesn't_ she have in there!? - and pulled out a huge was of cellophane. And I mean HUGE.

She grinned, then ran off towards the garage. Probably to get the pickax and the chalk, but I didn't know that at the time. Five minutes later, she came back. "C'mon guys! Let's head off!"

Then she tripped over the coffee table, but we were on our way. Dr. Martinez, who just didn't know what to do, followed after us, sort of dumbstruck. When we got outside, we realized that the ambulance had crashed into a huge cactus, and Mom's car could only hold five people normally, and seven if we REALLY stretched it. Solution?

Go to the graveyard one block over.

Why is there a graveyard one block over? Don't ask me. So, all thirteen of us, plus one decapitated marionette, headed over to the graveyard.

When we got there, Janice literally threw all of the stuff onto the ground - except the pickax. She began hacking at the ground, far away from any of the gravestones.

I have no idea why she didn't just get a shovel, but that's Janice for you. After she's dug out about a foot, there was a VERY loud CLANG, followed by Janice cursing her head off in German.

I looked over to see what'd happened, and I saw that she'd hit a pair of tweezers... rusted to a metal spork. _WTCW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_

Next to it was a roll of paper inside of a ziplock bag. Finally, Janice reached down and picked the tweezers and spork up. She looked at them, shrugged, and tossed the over her shoulder, hitting Gazzy on the forehead.

Then she picked up the ziplock bag, and opened it up. She pulled the roll of paper out, and unfolded it. She frowned, and showed up the paper.

_Une fourmi__de dix-huit mètres_

_Avec un chapeau sur la tête,_

_Ça n'existe pas, ça n'existe pas._

_Une fourmi traînant un char__,_

_Plein de pingouins et de canards,_

_Ça n'existe pas, ça n'existe pas._

_Une fourmi parlant français,_

_Parlant latin et javanais,_

_Ça n'existe pas, ça n'existe pas._

_Eh! Pourquoi pas?_

She remarked, "I think it's French. Anybody speak French? I don't."

Ella raised her hand. "I speak French!"

I groaned. "No you don't, you idiot! You speak French in IMing. Here, you speak Spanish!"

"Oh."

Suddenly, Skittles walked out of a mausoleum. "Hand it to me."

Janice did so. Skittles read over it, and frowned. "Okay, something like this:

_Oon for-me do dees hwee-met,_

_Ah-vek oon shuh-poh sure la tet,_

_San ex-eest-uh pa, san ex-eest-uh pa._

_Oon for-me train-oh oon shar,_

_Plain duh pen-gwah ae duh cuh-nar,_

_San ex-eest-uh pa, san ex-eest-uh pa._

_Oon for-me par-lay fran-say,_

_Par-lay la-tuh ae jzah-vuh-nay,_

_San ex-eest-uh pa, san ex-eest-uh pa._

_Ae! Pour-qwuh pa?_"

Then Janice said, "But what does it _mean_?"

"Oh! I'm pretty sure it means this:

_An eighteen-meter ant,_

_With a hat on its head,_

_It can't exist, it can't exist._

_An ant pulling a cart,_

_Full of penguins and ducks,_

_It can't exist, it can't exist._

_An ant that speaks French,_

_Speaks Latin and Javanese,_

_It can't exist, it can't exist._

_Hey! Why not?_

Oh, DUH! It's _La Fourmi_ by Robert Desnos."

We all stared at her. Then Janice, suddenly, whacked Skittles over the head with the pickax, and she, Skittles, disappeared in a cloud of peach smoke.

Then Janice shrugged, and got back to work. When she had a three foot hole, she nodded and said "That looks good."

She took the cellophane, and wrapped it around Princess Charmings, who had appeared out of nowhere, holding the marionette's head in place. After, oh, eight layers of cellophane, she stopped, and place Princess Charmings into the shallow grave.

She stood up and cleared her throat "Today, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the beloved Princess Charmings. Princess Charmings died an honorable death, fighting 'til her last in the infamous Multi-colored Fruit Battle."

She sniffled. "Princess Charmings was a good friend to me. I mean, sure, Princess Charmings might've looked a tad weird, but who cared!? Princess Charmings was good on the inside, and that's what counts."

She tossed a handful of dirt of Princess Charmings. She stepped back. After a few minutes, she realized that none of us were going to say anything, so she sighed and began knocking the dirt back into the grave with the pickax.

When she was done, she picked up the piece of chalk, and scribbles in the dirt _Here lies Princess Charmings, beloved friend and beheaded marionette._

Janice nodded, tossed the piece of chalk over her shoulder, hitting Gazzy on the forehead again, and trudged off towards the house. Then she turned around, and walking backwards, "Hey Max! You're hair is still green with purple streaks!"

I looked at my hair and realized she was right. We all headed back home.

_(Around twenty minutes later...)_

All of us were lounging around in the living room, in front of the TV, watching the "interview". Well, except for Iggy. He was off doing something in the kitchen.

Suddenly, Iggy came in, carrying a pan of some food or other. "Hey, I have some bru-"

Then Iggy tripped over Total. He tilted, then became upright again. Then he tripped over Akila, tilting waaay more, but once again he became upright. Finally, he tripped over Magnolia, landed flat on his face, and accidentally dumped the entire contents of the pan over Nudge's head. Nudge screamed.

It was a bunch of bruschetta, covered in OLIVE OIL. Nudge screamed for ten consecutive minutes. Dang, that girl has some LUNGS!

We finally got Nudge cleaned up, which was good, but her hair was sticky... uh... oily. Iggy said miserably, "There goes my bruschetta."

Suddenly, all of us, including Akila and Magnolia, were in the middle of a battle. I spun around quickly, looking around. Then I saw something that would either make me cry or laugh my head off...

Then someone, not one of us, shouted, "HEY! ARE YOU BUBBLY OR BOGUS!? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MIND-RAIN IS!?"

**CLIFFIE! MWA-HA-HA! HOW ANGEL-LIKE OF ME! Evil...**

**Anyway, I know this chapter's shorter than the other, but I REALLY wanted to get this done today, and I couldn't really think of anything else without turning this into a non-cliffie.**

_**La Fourmi**_** is an actual poem, and that's the actual translation. I made the pronunciation a bit off, though. I had to memorize this poem, in French and English, for French 1, so I know what I'm talking about!**

** Whatever you think of this FF, REVIEW! If you do you get some skittles... *grins*. Sugar up her nose, lemon juice in her mouth, a picture of Robert Pattinson without his shirt on in front of her face... now she thinks Rob's stalking her. **

**PAYBACK TIME SKITTLES! Skittles talked a ton about me in "Ouija Board 2: Revenge", so I'm giving payback. You like pickles? Whacko...**

**If you don't I'll sic the girl who lives in my doll cabinet after you! I hope to have the next chapter finished tomorrow. Oh, and so I know you guys read these things, put somewhere in your review.**

**Max: Yeah, please Review! Otherwise she'll stick me back in the doll cabinet... *whimpers***

**Moi: Shut UP! You tried to gouge my eyes out earlier! BAD MAX!**

**Oh, and Princess Charmings doesn't have a gender, or not a gender.. That's why no one said "he", "she", or "it". That does make sense! I promise!**


	4. Fun? What is fun? How daft of you

**Okay, here I am writing chapter four. Wait, didn't I just add chapter three two minutes ago? Crap. Oh, well. Anyway, this chapter will have Fax, Eggy, and what's this? Le gasp! -winks menacingly- You'll have to read to find out.**

**UPDATE: Okay, I wrote that, like, three days ago, and today I realized something: There's now way I can fit what I'm planning, (Fax, Eggy, and the other one), without going well over five-thousand words, SO, this chapter'll have Fax, the next Eggy, and the one after the third one. Unless I can fit Eggy and the third one together. Mkay?**

**ANOTHE UPDATE: Yay! Back from hiatus land! Here's your update. I'll update every Thursday, from now on.**

**AND _ANOTHER_ UPDATE: You guys better be happy. I stayed up until way past when I supposed to go to bed to write this. ... Huh? -yawns- Sorry, I feel asleep on my keyboard... ... Did it again... ...**

**Oh, and I know I spelled "bruschetta" wrong. I just have no idea how to **_**really**_** spell it, and SpellCheck's not helping.**

**Beware: This FF is full of complete and utter randomness, along with a bit of confusion, jammed together with total silliness. The possibility of OOCness, but, then, what do you expect when Max's hair catches on fire and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a huge pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS!**

**Who knew so much could happen around a make-out scene?**

**Claiming to diss me? Naw... Dissing to claim me? Hm... Kiss the claimdisser? Ooh, **_**Comatose**_** by Skillet! Aw, I give up: I don't own the Flock, Ella, Dr. Martinez, Total, Akila, Magnolia, or anything else Maximum Ride-related. James Patterson does. Also, anything mentioned that has to do with **_**Uglies**_** is owned by Scott Westerfield. Neither of those awesome writer dudes are me. ANYWAY, this disclaimer is freakishly long and not achieving its point. Here: IF YOU RECOGNIZE IT, I DO NOT OWN IT! I HAVE, LIKE, NO MONEY, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER SUING ME. IF YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE IT, I EITHER DON'T OWN IT OR HAPPEN TO HAVE CREATED IT. ENJOY. (Yes, I own Scarlett.)**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

Suddenly, Iggy came in, carrying a pan of some food or other. "Hey, I have some bru-"

Then Iggy tripped over Total. He tilted, then became upright again. Then he tripped over Akila, tilting waaay more, but once again he became upright. Finally, he tripped over Magnolia, landed flat on his face, and accidentally dumped the entire contents of the pan over Nudge's head. Nudge screamed.

It was a bunch of bruschetta, covered in OLIVE OIL. Nudge screamed for ten consecutive minutes. Dang, that girl has some LUNGS!

We finally got Nudge cleaned up, which was good, but her hair was sticky... uh... oily. Iggy said miserably, "There goes my bruschetta."

Suddenly, all of us, including Akila and Magnolia, were in the middle of a battle. I spun around quickly, looking around. Then I saw something that would either make me cry or laugh my head off...

Then someone, not one of us, shouted, "HEY! ARE YOU BUBBLY OR BOGUS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE MIND-RAIN IS!"

And now...

_Let me tell you about the time I made out with Fang. Now, it's a very long story that involves Scott Westerfield, a teleportation device gone haywire or some such, a shrugging contest, and a almost-bone breakage, and that's only the fourth chapter so don't expect something boring. Expect something wild: like_

_This story started at a mall, headed through pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart, and a graveyard. This chapter begins at a battlefield reenactment scene, but then head through an airplane hanger, quite a few funny farms, and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof. Where will it end? Why, _mes amies_, you're going to have to read to find out!_

_All of the kissing that happened in the following month started at one location that'll remind anyone of the Civil War..._

I blinked, and looked away from the sign that said "Battlefield reenactment scene using real weapons!"

Standing a few feet away from us, there was a girl with really, REALLY, bright red hair. She looked a bit pissed, and she had her hands on her hips.

"Huh?" I said. The girl groaned. A knife was suddenly headed right towards the girl, but she snatched it from her attacker and smacked the guy over the head with the hilt, knocking him out cold.

"Let me ask you something. Tally's last name?"

"Who?"

She groaned again. "F-KING IDIOTS!"

She looked at me. "This is a Scott Westerfield convention. WHAT THE F-K ARE YOU DOING HERE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO F-KING TALLY YOUNGBLOOD IS!"

I just stared at her.

I was going to kill whoever came up with the idea of battle reenactment scene using real weapons.

I just stared at her. "Where are we?"

"Scott Westerfield convention in Phoenix at the Phoenix Convention Center. Someone paid them to promote a battlefield reenactment scene with real weapons, and that's here. Shouldn't you know that? Oh, wait, you just appeared out of thin air. 'Course you wouldn't."

"So, wait, how'd we get here?"

The girl pointed at the floor. "New inventions on the floor below us. Probably a teleportation device gone haywire, or some such."

**(A/N: This makes me depressed. I totally suck at keeping a plot, and my stories always become really whacky - too whacky. Okay, hold on, let me edit this to death. Maybe then it'll be... meh-er. Looong story about that...)**

"Wait, so you're part of the reenactment scene thing?"

"Nope. But I tally rock at dodging weapons, so I jumped up on stage."

She grinned.

Now, the entire time we were talking, we were dodging weapons and grabbing weapons and smacking attackers and such, so don't think it was a "quiet" conversation.

The flock and Ella were holding there own, Akila and Magnolia had run off, and Total had chasing after them. The Johns were also doing pretty good, as was Dr. Martinez.

Then her eyes widened. I thought someone was about to whack me with a herring **(A/N: Saint: -appears- I so, like, totally own that! -whacks Vera with herring- Copyright (c) St. Fang of Boredom. -disappears- Moi: Whacko...)**, or something, but no one was near me except the girl and everyone who'd gotten teleported here like me.

Then she grinned again, but this time, it was super evil. It reminded me of Angel the time she talked Dr. Martinez into giving her a Red Bull so she could give it to Nudge...

Uh-oh.

"And who might you be to be dodging weapons so expertly? You wouldn't happen to be... Charlotte Craig?"

My face was blank. "Who?"

The girl's nose scrunched up. "Dammit. I was hoping I could challenge you... but, oh, well. By the way, I'm Charlotte!"

"Um... I'm M-"

Suddenly, all of us were back in Mom's house.

"-ax."

Total walked into the living room, leading Akila and Magnolia. "What just happened?"

I said, "According to some girl... Scarlett, I think it was, there was a thing for new inventions going on the floor below us... she said it was probably a teleportation device gone haywire, or some such... we were teleported to the Phoenix Convention Center... that answer your question?"

Total replied, "No, but it's good enough."

Everyone sort of wandered off. Iggy went off to make more prosciutto **(A/N: Yay! Correct spelling)**, Nudge and Angel walked out talking amiably about something fashion-related or other, Gazzy went into his bedroom, probably to make a bomb, Ella went to the kitchen to help Iggy, the Johns went off to play Textian Scrabble etc. Well, except for Fang. He sort of hovered near me.

"Fang, what do you want?" I was cranky after the prosciutto incident and the battlefield reenactment scene.

He shrugged. I shrugged back at him. He shrugged back at me. So, without meaning to, we got into a shrugging competition. My shoulders are going to be aching for days.

After a a lot of shrugging, I collapsed on the couch, and laughed. "What was the point of that!"

Fang collapsed on the couch next to me. "I don't know, but ti was fun."

I said in a bad imitation of Fang's voice, "Fun? What is fun? I don't believe I've experienced the sensation... could you explain that Max? It's because I'm an Emotionless Brick Wall? How daft of you!"

Fang rolled his eyes. "What was the point of _that_?"

"Um... well, Fang, it was a dramatization... no, it was an example... no, not an example... Fang..."

I gave up trying to explain it and just kissed him. He was surprised, I can tell you. After his hesitation, he kissed me back. We kissed for, oh, I don't know, five minutes? Eventually, we broke apart to breathe. Then we got back to kissing.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash to our left. "What the-?"

Ella was standing there, camera in hand, giggling. Iggy was standing beside her. "Did you get the photo?" he asked. Ella grinned. "You bet!"

They high-fived. For some reason, Iggy never misses. I lunged at Ella, but she side-stepped, and I slammed into the wall. There was now a Max-shaped dent in the wall. I spun around and lunged at her again, and this time she didn't side-step fast enough. We both slammed into the couch, which Fang, seeing he would be squished by two girls catfighting, had dived off of. We fought for a while, and I got the camera out of her grip, but dropped it. Iggy lunged at it, apparently having heard it hit the floor.

In the end, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Angel, and Dr. Martinez had to separate us with the help of the Johns.

We were still snarling at each other, though.

Thankfully, neither of us sustained any permanent of live-threatening injuries, though I did almost break one of the bones in Ella's left hand.

Then the phone rang.

Mom picked it up. "Hello?" She turned a color normally only seen in deaf, blue-eyed cats' fur. "Yes, yes, I understand. May I ask why? Uh-huh... wait, what? Oh... yeah, I see... we'll need transportation. You're sending a van... will it be big enough? We have thirteen people and three dogs... that'll work... okay, good bye." She hung up.

**(A/N: I was supposed to update on Thursday, wasn't I? Well, now it's three minutes into Friday... Oops.)**

Then she turned to us. "All of us - including the Johns and dogs - have been called to a military base in the middle of nowhere. They're sending a van which normally holds fourteen people... so we should be able to squish in."

"Why?" Ella asked, curious.

"Because they want us to 'see something'. Before you ask, I don't know what it is."

I asked her, "When will the bus get here?"

She shrugged. "In about thirty-seven seconds."

My eyes bugged out. "Uh... that's soon!"

She nodded just as the doorbell rang. In single file, so as not to get stuck in the doorway next to each other, the sixteen of us filed out. Some dude in an all-green outfit showed us to a van, which looked more like it could hold a max of ten people... get it? A _max_ of ten people?

We all squished into it - very uncomfortably, I might add - and around two hours later, we arrived. All of this had started at 8PM, and it was now 4AM. I had gone twenty-three hours without sleep, since Ella had 'accidentally' set my alarm clock to 5AM, and I was _extremely_ pissed off.

Of course, once the military showed us what they wanted to show us in the airplane hanger, I was immediately extremely happy. Guess why? And no, it wasn't _just_ because I got to eat something.

**Another cliffie! :) So, didja likey? The next chapter'll contain Eggy, FYI. You guys noticed the foreshadowing, right? First time I've ever written foreshadowing! Yay! Anyway, random piece of information: If you look on the cover of **_**Uglies**_**, in the girl's eyes, you can see a reflection of the cameraman! I got that from **_**Bogus to Bubbly**_**. Okay, to all those people who've never heard of Scott Westerfield or **_**Uglies**_**: I just randomly decided to put stuff in about **_**Uglies**_**, a totally awesome trilogy-turned-quadrilogy by Scott Westerfield. Probably because I bought this book-guide-thingy that accompanies it about a week before I started writing this. From now on, I'm going to be following this schedule:**

**I'll update Nutty on Tuesdays, IMing on Wednesdays, and Matter on Thursdays. I'll work on Sure Ways on Mondays and Fridays, but I really don't know exactly **_**when**_** I'll be updating that. Saturdays'll be when I work on stories I've started but haven't posted yet. Sundays I'll update whatever I feel like updating.**

**Thus, therefore, ergo, etc, I'll be updating this fanfic every Thursday. With a few updating-on-Sundays mixed in. I should change the summary to "Rated T because of paranoia and make-out scenes."** Or maybe "Rated T because of paranoia and future chapters." Or should I do "Rated T because of paranoia and spit-swapping."? Hm... **I'll go do that whenever I post this. GO PARAMORE! Sorry, listening to **_**Emergency**_** right now. Oh, and I have a poll up about who's your favorite MR character! It's on my profile.** **Iggy's winning. I'm the only one that voted for Ella so far! -sob- Oh, right! Almost forgot to mention this. Textian Scrabble is just a game I made up. It's Scrabble, essentially, but instead of normal Scrabble, you take all the vowels (except y) out before you play, and every word has to be in texting format (i.e. wht, pprntly, etc). I was bored. Oh, and 'Textian' is now accepted by SpellCheck! Yay!**

**R&R?**


	5. Welcome to ACPLNCAAWMIFDISISMAM!

**You guys should be _really_ happy I updated. I didn't even start until eleven, and it took me _forever_ to write this chapter, so I didn't get finished until almost 1AM. I am a supporter of Eggy, so I'll probably never write anything Niggy... unless I get really bored. However, this chapter contains Eggy. Oh! And, in the last chapter, in the beginning part, I had some mess-ups, and I've been working on fixing them. Sorry about that; I forget to remind myself to do things, sometimes. Oh, and please note that whenever they head off to a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof, I'm going to rewrite the beginning. Otherwise, we'd get a max of eight chapters. 'Kay? Right, here goes.**

**Beware: This FF is full of complete and utter randomness, along with a bit of confusion, jammed together with total silliness. The possibility of OOCness, but, then, what do you expect when Max's hair catches on fire and Nudge gets dangled by her expensive, designer jeans over a huge pit of alligators? Alligators I tell you, ALLIGATORS!**

**Who knew so much could happen around a make-out scene?**

**Disclaimer: Hi, I'm the cat. Vera does not own Maximum Ride - James Patterson does. She does, however, own all of the ideas. Well, except for one.**

Previously, on _Matter Over Mind_...

I asked her, "When will the bus get here?"

She shrugged. "In about thirty-seven seconds."

My eyes bugged out. "Uh... that's soon!"

She nodded just as the doorbell rang. In single file, so as not to get stuck in the doorway next to each other, the sixteen of us filed out. Some dude in an all-green outfit showed us to a van, which looked more like it could hold a max of ten people... get it? A _max_ of ten people?

We all squished into it - very uncomfortably, I might add - and around two hours later, we arrived. All of this had started at 8PM, and it was now 4AM. I had gone twenty-three hours without sleep, since Ella had 'accidentally' set my alarm clock to 5AM, and I was _extremely_ pissed off.

Of course, once the military showed us what they wanted to show us in the airplane hanger, I was immediately extremely happy. Guess why? And no, it wasn't _just_ because I got to eat something.

And now...

_Let me tell you about the time that Iggy made out with Ella. Now, it's a very long story that involves foot-long darts, sixteen straight jackets, _, and _, and that's only the fifth chapter, so don't expect anything boring. Expect something wild: like, Fax, or Eggy, or _more_ Fax__._

_This story started out at a mall, headed through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart, a graveyard, and a battlefield reenactment scene. This chapter starts at an airplane hangar, but then heads through quite a few funny farms and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof._

_All of the kissing that happened in the followed month started at one location that, for some reason, reminds me of the movie _Independence Day_..._

Even though I did get to eat something. Quite a lot of somethings, actually. Anyway, what immediately made me extremely happy was what the military showed me, and guess what that was? Well, you may have guessed it, I don't know, but it was a giant Jeb dart board! Like, giant enough that they had to store it in an airplane hangar and require the help of the US military to create it. It was _awesome_.

Like, _awesome_. Like, really, _awesome_.Awesome. Like, _awesome_ awesome. Like, really. Totally. _Awesome_.

Anyway, they let me throw the first dart! The dart was over a foot long, since the dartboard was _humongous_, but it didn't weigh that much. I aimed and threw the dart, hitting the picture of Jeb glued to the dartboard right on the eye. Jeb's eye, I mean, not bull's-eye.

"WHOOO!" I shouted. For some reason unknown to me, they gave us some food to shove down our throats before hustling us off back to the white van. Another two hour drive where we were _really_ squished. It was now around 6:30AM. Hurrah.

Of course, when we got back home, the creepy guys in straight jackets were waiting for us. They had sixteen straightjackets in hand, and apparently three of them were for the dogs.

When we got out of the van, they immediately tackled us, and the white army van flew off. We fought, sure, but those three creepy guys had fought supposed lunatics before, and they were ready for us.

They got us all straight jacketed up, and shoved us into a van about two-thirds of the size of the army van. We were really _really_ squished. Like, really.

They drove for about an hour and a half. That meant it was 7AM. They _finally_ stopped at some weird place. It had a wrought iron ten foot tall fence, and a sign said that it was Asylumnic Psychiatrical Care at a Mental Institution for Delusional Schizophrenic Maniacs, or, as the three creepy guys explained in perfect synchronization, 'ap-kam-if-dis-um'.

They dragged us through the front door of the asylum. We were greeted my a woman in a pant suit. I never trust woman in pant suits - it means they have an absolutely horrible fashion taste and they are incredibly evil.

The woman smiled fakely and said with fake enthusiasm, "Welcome to APCAAMIFDSM! We would like your stay at our mental institution to be grand and bland. You must be the new arrivals? Of course you are! Yes, well, we _just_ received news that you are to be transferred! Isn't that nice?"

We didn't reply. She made a gesture at the three creepy guys, and the hustled us out of there, back into the white van, for an hour long drive. It was now 8AM. This all had started twelve hours ago, and I had woken up _twenty-seven _hours ago. Oh, joy.

**(A/N: It is now midnight... I've worked on this for an hour... -yawn-)**

_This_ mental institution also had a wrought iron ten foot tall fence and a sign, but the sign said Asylumnic Crazy Psychiatrical Lunatical Nutzoid Care at a Whacko Mental Institution for Delusional Idiotic Schizophrenic Incredibly Stupid Maniacs and Morons, or, as the three creepy guys explained in perfect synchronization, 'ak-pil-nuh-caw-mif-dis-is-mam'.

We were, once again, dragged through the front door and, once again, greeted by a woman in, _once again_, a pant suit. The woman smiled fakely and said with fake enthusiasm, "Welcome to ACPLNCAAWMIFDISISMAM! We would like your stay at our mental institution to be grand and bland. You must be the new arrivals? Of course you are! Please, follow me."

The woman walked off. We all looked at each other simultaneously, shrugged simultaneously, and headed after the woman simultaneously.

She got us all settled down in a padded white room. All sixteen of us, in one room. Thankfully, it was bigger than the van, but not much. After a couple hours of us not moving, just lying there in our straight jackets, the woman came back. It was now 9AM, and I was _extremely_ pissed off, so much so that even a giant Jeb dartboard wouldn't cheer me up. The woman said, "Yes, well, we _just_ received new that you are to be released! Isn't that nice?"

Then she walked off, leaving the door open and us in our straight jackets. We all looked at each other simultaneously, shrugged simultaneously, and walked single file out the door, not-so-simultaneously.

Turns out we had to walk home, _ in our straight jackets_. That took ten hours or so, so we didn't get home until around 7PM, and _we were still in our straight jackets_. I had gone a total of thirty-eight hours without sleep, and the only person in the entire world that could calm me down was Fang. And how would he calm me down? By making out with me, of course. I won't go into detail, but let's just say, no matter what my mood, _that_ would've cheered me up or calmed me down.

**(A/N: More Fax! Yay!)**

When we were done kissing, we decided to wander around the house. We, of course, had no notion of 'sleep'. You know what we found? Iggy and Ella making out! In the kitchen, much less.

**(A/N: And the Eggy appears...)**

I, remembering what Ella had done to me, silently told Fang to stay there. I then snuck around, looking for Ella's camera. Iggy and Ella didn't notice me, of course - they were too busy making out.

I finally found Ella's camera, snuck up beside them, I took a picture. The flash didn't work, since it was really bright in the kitchen, so they didn't even notice! Whackos. I continued to take pictures, until I ran out of room on Ella's camera. The camera, in fact, made a beeping noise when this happened, so they must have finally realized something. They broke apart, and Ella turned her head towards me.

"MAX!" she squeaked, and dove at me. I danced away from her and said, "That was payback!"

Then I ran off. Fang followed after me. Iggy and Ella chased us everywhere, but they couldn't catch up to us. They finally gave up, and walked off - probably to go somewhere else and make out again. Well, that's what Fang and I did.

**(A/N: And more Fax and Eggy!)**

We - this is an 'awww' moment - fell asleep in each others arms.

Then next morning, we woke up, disentangled ourselves from each other, and the rest of the day was normal. Well, except for the Johns. The Johns had decided to stay with us since they had nothing better to do. Of course, that's not really that weird... compared to what else had happened in the past few days, anyway.

Of course, no day is _truly _normal in our house. I was walking down the stairs when I saw Janice talking to someone. Actually, she was talking to a pair of lips that were floating in midair, and the lips look remarkably like Angelina Jolie's. From what I could hear of Janice and the lips' conversation, the lips were Princess Charmings lips, and had became resurrected for no apparent reason, while the rest of Princess Charmings had not. I shrugged and headed off to the kitchen.

And then it got weirder. Ella decided to drag all sixteen us of off to McDonald's. That in itself was not weird, but it was what the McDonald's was growing on its roof that was strange.

Take a guess. What could it be? Well, if you guessed cherries, you'd be right.

**(A/N: My fingers are actually going numb... whoa...)**

Why did the McDonald's grow cherries on its roof? I have no clue about that, either. Something about how it was good for business being the only McDonald's in the world that grew cherries on its roof, or something.

Anyway, we ate at the McDonald's, and everything, and I mean _everything_, had cherries on it. Cherry hamburgers, cherry McFlurries, cherry french fries, cherry chicken nuggets, cherry soda... etc. It was weird, but, considering the McDonald's grew cherries on its roof, wasn't as weird compared to what else had happened in the past few days.

If everything had grapes in it, on the other hand, when the McDonald's grew cherries on the roof... well, that would be weird. However, they weren't any grapes in sight, so it was only a little weird.

Well, okay, it was _really_ weird, but with all of the other weird stuff that had happened, it was only a teensy bit weird. Okay, not really, but still, does it matter? Really? I mean, I don't mind, but whatever...

_**Please**_** tell me someone got that pun! Anyway, the Princess Charmings' lips being resurrected thing was my sister's husband's idea. I'll update again late next Thursday night (or maybe early Friday morning). Oh, and I'll try to make the next chapter over three thousand words, since my word count has been going down. Goodbye now. -head slumps to keyboard- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... **

**R&R?**


	6. MARRY ME, MAX!

**I'm sorry about the looong wait for this chapter, guys! I was supposed to update on Thursday, but I couldn't finish it, so I went to bed, and then finished it on Friday. Problem was, FF/N wouldn't let me upload it, and it seems that this was happening to everyone else. I _finally_ got it working today, so here's your update!**

**I used all of the schtuff I'd put in the first intro-thing! Yay! Now, it's time to redo. I'm changing it up a bit, since half the time I forget I **_**have**_** an intro-thing, and I have to go back and put it in. Also, everyone, sign St. Fang of Boredom's petition! It's so Kristin Stewart and Rob Pattinson don't play Max and Fang in the new Maximum Ride movie! The link's on her profile, and I can give you it here (just take out the spaces): ****http :// www . petitiononline . com / axtoksrp / petition . html **

**Oh, and you know what I did right before writing this? Okay, so my mom has these big things full of clothes on top of her dresser. While I was watching Resident Evil 3 in _French_, I climbed up onto top of her dresser, on top of one of those big things so I could pet my cat. The cat, it seems, likes watching people being torn apart by zombies...**

**Anyway, here goes.**

**Disclaimer: Vera doesn't own the totally awesome series Maximum Ride. James B. Patterson does. Vera also doesn't own _Stacy's Mom _or _Left Outside Alone_.Vera does, however, own the Minkle Fur Company and the Oak Tower.**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

Why did the McDonald's grow cherries on its roof? I have no clue about that, either. Something about how it was good for business being the only McDonald's in the world that grew cherries on its roof, or something.

Anyway, we ate at the McDonald's, and everything, and I mean _everything_, had cherries on it. Cherry hamburgers, cherry McFlurries, cherry french fries, cherry chicken nuggets, cherry soda... etc. It was weird, but, considering the McDonald's grew cherries on its roof, wasn't as weird compared to what else had happened in the past few days.

If everything had grapes in it, on the other hand, when the McDonald's grew cherries on the roof... well, that would be weird. However, they weren't any grapes in sight, so it was only a little weird.

Well, okay, it was really weird, but with all of the other weird stuff that had happened, it was only a teensy bit weird. Okay, not really, but still, does it matter? Really? I mean, I don't mind, but whatever..

And now...

_This story started out at a mall, headed through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart, a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hangar, quite a few funny farms and, of course, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof. In this chapter, we start out at a Minkle Fur Company store in the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia, then head through the Oak Tower, a millipede growing farm, a twig mentoring station, a Cheeto factory, a bicarbonate anthill, an elephant grassland, and a dreaded Quiditch field._

"ZOMG!" Nudge squealed. "IT'S A SPECKLED PUMPKIN KIBBLESQUAWK!"

We all looked at her like she was crazy. She coughed. "I mean, ZOMG! IT'S A THESAURUS MADE OUT OF PICKLES!"

We continued to look at her like she was crazy. She coughed again. "Um... I really mean, ZOMG! IT'S A SHOE-SHAPED MANGO!"

We continued to look at her like she was crazy. She coughed again. "Oh, I give up! It's a minkle fur item."

We nodded, understandingly.

I asked Ella, "Tell me again why we're in a Minkle Fur Company store?"

She replied promptly, "Because we're buying Janice a minkle fur coat!"

_Oh-kay... Ella and Janice have gone crazy..._

"Can I get this, Max?" Angel asked me. She was holding a minkle fur scarf. "Angel, we can't af-" She gave me Bambi eyes. "Sure you can buy it, Angel!"

"Thanks, Max!" Angel skipped off, presumably to go pay for her minkle fur scarf.

"C'mhere Janice," Ella said, "I think this minkle fur coat will suit you _perfectly_."

Everyone wandered off, leaving me stranded in the middle of a Minkle Fur Company store. Then some girl, who was wearing a T-shirt that said "Minkle Fur Company" in big letters on the front, walked up to me. She was holding a plate of something in her hand, and she moved the plate towards me. "Want some roasted minkle meat?"

I screamed and ran out of the story as fast as I could. The girl shrugged and turned around to reveal that the back of her shirt said "Minkle Fur Company and all associated franchises are owned solely by me also known as Vera A also known as simba1timmy also known as that girl on who is totally random and completely nutzoid. If you would like your very own minkle fur item, please PM me and I will send you a form to fill out so you can purchase your very own minkle fur item. Any website saying that they are selling a minkle fur item without the Minkle Fur Company copyright which is located at the bottom of this T-shirt is not a legitimate minkle fur item selling website and is simply trying to scam you out of your money that you worked so hard for or didn't work so hard for. If you discover such a website claiming to sell minkle fur items, please PM me. All minkle fur items are custom and hand made and come with a lifetime warranty or lifetime guarantee, whichever you prefer. The furry minkles used in the creation of minkles fur items are proudly grown in my own front yard, thank you very much. For a list of prices on minkle fur items, please PM me or contact one of my associates as listed on my profile page. If you are unsure where to go to view my profile page then go to http :// www . fanfiction . net / ~veraa and that will take you directly to my profile page. Thank you for taking the time to read this incredibly lengthy T-shirt. Copyright (c) Minkle Fur Company"

Now that I think about it, the girl reminds me of someone I saw in an alternate universe named 'random dude'...

Hearing my screams, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Janice, Johnty, Ella, , Akila, and Magnolia rushed out of the Minkle Fur Company store. They chased after me, since I was running through the mall (which just _happened_ to be the mall all of this had started in...), wreaking havoc everywhere I went.

Now, not only does Wal-Mart hate us, the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia hates us, too!

When I turned the corner, I screamed again. "IT'S A GIANT LOAF OF PUMPERNICKEL!"

Everyone was staring at me like I was crazy as twelve people and three dogs chased after me. Out of nowhere, I was struck by lightning.

**(A/N: Thanks, Morgan!)**

"AHHH!" I screamed again as I hit the floor. Then everything went blue...

I woke up tied with shoelaces and painter's tape to a metal sculpture. That's weird... I wonder who tied me up!? And where am I!? "That's weird... I wonder who tied me up!? And where am I?" I said aloud.

Some girl with purple hair walked up. "Hiya Max! I'm Java Runtime Error, Vera's assistant. We had to temporarily remove you from your story because of your extremely apparent OOCness. Right now, you're in the Oak Tower, which is where Vera keeps all of her OCs. After you've been "treated" you will be zapped back to the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia the same way you got here. We would've used a wormhole, but you won't near any ents or exes, so we had to use alternate methods."

I just stared at her. She walked off to behind me, so I couldn't see what she was doing. Then I heard a loud zapping noise, and my brain felt like it was being teared to pieces by hand, fed to rabid dogs, put in the garbage disposal, and finally being tossed into a woodchipper. Can I saw ow?

I screamed in pain. There was a loud zapping noise, and as suddenly as the pain had began, it stopped. The girl walked back up. "That didn't go so well..." she shrugged. "I'll have Vera take a look atcha."

She walked off again. A few minutes later, she came back with the girl I had seen in Minkle Fur Company store who had offered me roasted minkle meat. "Hm..." the girl, who I assumed was Vera, said. "It appears that Max overloaded the server because three thought patterns commonly interact with each other inside of her head, and that would definitely overload the server, since it's only built for two thought patterns at once. So, in order to fix her, we're going to have to bump it up to three thought patterns, which will require rerouting the entire system and backing up on multiple hard drives. It's either that, let Max stay OOC, get rid of one of the thought patterns - which is impossible, by the way - or let her suffer and incredible amount of pain. The pain's caused by the server using the electric current of her brain and her brainwaves in order to achieve enough free space and power for it to function. This causes her brain to literally melt, since the human and birdkid minds aren't mean to take that kind of strain. Also, we can hook the server up to the main power frame and limit its course, that might work in fixing the problem."

The other girl - Java - just nodded and got to work.

Around an hour, there was another loud zapping noise, and I expecting more pain, but there wasn't any. My brain sort of felt like it was being massaged and given a manicure...

Someone laughed gleefully and evilly at the same time, and, suddenly, I was struck by lightning again. Then everything went blue again...

When I woke up, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Janice, Johnty, Ella, , Akila, and Magnolia were standing over me, looking at me with concern.

"Where are we?" I asked groggily.

"A millipede growing farm." Janice answered.

"Oh... kay..."

I sat up, or tried to. My head banged against everyone else's. "Owww..." we all said at the same time.

Suddenly, the room was swarming with millipedes. I mean, that's kind of expected since we were at a millipede growing farm, but still...

Everyone, including Fang, screamed like a little girl, and started running around, trying to squish the millipedes without touching them. It would've been funny had I not been doing the same thing.

Then - get this - the girl I'd seen at the Scott Westerfield convention, Scarlett? She ran into the room carrying in a woodchipper.

**(A/N: Thanks, Lily! That is your name, right?)**

She tossed millipede after millipede into the woodchipper, and out came piles of really gross millipede guts. However, Scarlett was significantly decreasing the millipedes' population, so I didn't think it was _extremely_ gross at the time. But it was still a little gross.

Once Scarlett was done woodchipping all of the millipedes and there was a very large pile of woodchipped millipedes on the floor, Scarlett ran off, taking the woodchipper with her. We all shrugged, as if this was normal behavior.

And then, for some unknown reason, all of us began throwing wads of millipede guts at each other.

"TAKE _THAT _MODERN SCIENCE! DECADES OF PSYCHO LOGIC PICKED APART IN THREE SECONDS BY AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD!

"That was random..."

"OW! Leggo my arm!"

"When you leggo my leg!"

"Never!"

CRACK

"Oopsie..."

"MY HEAD! AH!"

CLANGBOOMBANG

"Please tell me that wasn't my shoulder..."

"THIS IS FUN!"

"HOW THE HECK IS THIS FUN!?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

SNAPCRACKLEPOP

"Ooh, Rice Crispies!"

"Oh, shut it!'

CLACKITYCLACKITYCLACKCLACKCLACK

"That was weird sounding..."

RIPKACHINGPOP

"MARRY ME, MAX!"

"Sure, Fang! Just let me take out Janice here, first..."

BANGCLANGHUNGERPANG

"ZOI!"

"Hunger pang? Oh-kay..."

"STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON!"

"I'm facepalming, in case you can't tell..."

"CHEESE!"

KABOOMBANGCLICK

"Double oopsies..."

LOLLIPOPCRACK

"Wait, so the lollipop's on crack?"

"BRITNEY SPEARS!"

"I LUFFLES YOU IGGY!"

"Uh... thanks Ella..."

RUFFLE

"MY HAIR!!!!!!"

WHACKSMACKAACK

"YOU LITTLE B-"

SLAPSLAPSLAP

"DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT!"

"Girls, girls, settle down..."

SMACK

"NO!"

SMACK

"WAY!"

SMACK

"IN!"

SMACK

"HELL!"

SMACKWHAPWHAPCLANG

"That sounded bad..."

SMACKSMACKSMACK

"Yer tellin' muh!"

"No one here has a southern accent..."

CRACK

"MY ANKLE!"

"I wonder if you know, how it really feels, to be left outside alone, when it's cold out here?"

ZAPZIPZOI

"That's my line!"

"SHUT _UP,_ JANICE!"

BANG

"TAKE _THAT_ YOU CREEPY MARIONETTE!"

"PRINCESS CHARMINGS! MY BRIDE! I WILL SAVE YOU..."

"Ewww... you're a girl and you're marrying a girl?"

SLAP

"Oh, shut it!"

WHAPCLANGWHAP

"Plus, Princess Charmings is dead as a doornail..."

"I SAW PRINCESS CHARMINGS' LIPS TALKING TO JANICE!!!"

FWAPTRIPSMACK

Finally, we collapsed, all of us covered in bits and pieces of millipedes. "Ewww..." Ella said.

"You're telling me."

**The next chapter going to go up on Thursday! I also already have what's going to happen figured out in my head, so I shoule dbe able to update when I'm supposed to update.**

**R&R?**


	7. Are ALL rocks pointy?

**Sorry about taking so long to update! See, I was supposed to update IMing on Wednesday, but I got stuck with it. So I _finally_ updated IMing yesterday, and today's the first day I've had enough time to do this chappie.**

**Also, Lily, thankyouthankyouthankyou for the idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, M.G, thankyouthankyouthankyou for the help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**My cursor is a yellow dinosaur! Just felt like I should tell you guys that.**

**Disclaimer: Vera does not own Maximum Ride. James Patterson does. She also doesn't own cheetos, but she doesn't know who owns them. Oh, wait, it's the Frito Lay Company, isn't it? -shrugs-**

**Claimer: Vera _does_ own Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Janice, Johnty, and the plot. And the word "semi-insane". Teehee. AH! VERA'S TEEHEENESS HAS INFECTED ME!**

**Moi: -eyeroll- Shut up, Dizzy.**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind..._

ZAPZIPZOI

"That's my line!"

"SHUT _UP,_ JANICE!"

BANG

"TAKE _THAT_ YOU CREEPY MARIONETTE!"

"PRINCESS CHARMINGS! MY BRIDE! I WILL SAVE YOU..."

"Ewww... you're a girl and you're marrying a girl?"

SLAP

"Oh, shut it!"

WHAPCLANGWHAP

"Plus, Princess Charmings is dead as a doornail..."

"I SAW PRINCESS CHARMINGS' LIPS TALKING TO JANICE!!!"

FWAPTRIPSMACK

Finally, we collapsed, all of us covered in bits and pieces of millipedes. "Ewww..." Ella said.

"You're telling me."

And now...

_This story started out at a mall, headed through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart, a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hangar, quite a few funny farms, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof, a Minkle Fur Company store in the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia, the Oak Tower, and, of course, a millipede growing farm. In this chapter, we start out at a millipede growing farm, then head through a twig mentoring station, a cheeto factory, a bicarbonate anthill, an elephant grassland, and a dreaded Quiditch field._

Iggy led us down the hall.

Now, we both know that there's something wrong with that statement; I mean, Iggy was _blind_, and he was _leading_ us. Well, it turns out that the millipede growing farm has literally miles of hallways, and we were completely lost.

However, Iggy remembered the pathways we had taken to get from the entrance to get to the room I'd woken up in, so he was leading us back.

Make sense now?

So it took a few hours, but we finally got out of the millipede growing farm. Lemme tell ya, I never want to visit a millipede growing farm again. They're so... bug-ridden, I guess you could say. Or you could say, COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INFESTED!

You could say that, but I can't since it would be OOC of me.

Anyway, when we got out of the millipede growing farm, it turns out that we were only a mile from Dr. M's home, so we walked there. When we got there, everyone just lounged around, doing nothing.

_**Third Person POV**_

Max, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Akila, Magnolia, Ella, Dr. Martinez, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Janice, and Johnty were just lying around, doing nothing. Suddenly, Max shouted, "I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING! Hey, Angel, let's blow something up!"

Angel nodded vigorously and they jumped up and walked off. Ella looked at them strangely, but they ignored me and everyone else looked like they thought what was happening was normal.

Then, suddenly, Fang started talking about fashion a mile a minute, and Nudge _didn't join the conversation_.

Wait, Fang was talking about fashion? Maybe all the Figgy fans' dream was coming true... O_O

Suddenly, Total slipped off the couch and fell onto his back, all the while yelling, "ZOI!"

Ella was looking at everyone like they were crazy, which they totally were. But they didn't realize it, as crazy people never realize that they're crazy.

Janice started blathering on about French wine, and then suddenly Dr. M jumped up and shouted at Max that she had to save the world.

Jeb, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, began examining Total for injuries, since he'd fallen off the couch, though we know for certain that Total can jump sixteen feet in the air and land just fine.

Iggy shouted, "I CAN SEE!" and then ordered everyone around in a very Max-like manner. Ella continued to look at them like they were crazy, which we all know they were.

Suddenly, Max ran into the room. Her hair looked bright orange - no, wait, it was on fire! Max screamed. "MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! HELP! SOMEBODY! PUT IT OUT! MY HAIR! FIRE! SOMEBODY! HELP!"

**(A/N: Remember, that was part of the original beginning? Yeah, I was trying to think about how I could work that into the story. And I just did. Yay! So, now, out of the original beginning, all that's left is to dangle Nudge by her expensive designer jeans over a pit of alligators! Oh, joy.)**

Angel, who had started to smell really weird, ran into the room and tried to put Max's hair out. Well, she _did_ put Max's hair out, it just took her a few minutes.

Max, who had been growing her hair out and had gotten it to shoulder level, was thoroughly pissed off that most of her had been burned off, leaving only a few inches.

So that's how the rest of the day went. Max and Iggy, Nudge and Fang, Angel and Gazzy, Janice and Total, Johnny and Johnny, Johnnay and Johncy, Akila and Magnolia, Dr. Martinez and Jeb, Vera and Skittles, Java and Scarlett, Norman and Larry - they all acted like each other. The only person who didn't act like or was acted like by anyone and was the only person to notice this insanity was Ella.

Poor Elliekins... she think that everyone she knows has gone mad. Well, they have gone mad, but that's beside the point.

It was later that night we everyone became sane. Well, most of them were sane... Max, Fang, and Iggy remained semi-insane **(A/N: Such a nice word!)** and Ella became semi-insane along with them. What, you might ask, classified them to be semi-insane? I believe this line from the song "Clumsy" by Fergie sums it up:

_The love bug crawls right back up and bites me_

**(A/N: Do you know how long it took me to find that quote!? -grumbles-)**

In case you guessed that Fax and Eggy was occurring, you were right. Yes, Max and Fang and Ella and Iggy were making out. I do hope they try to keep it rated PG-13, for Angel's sake...

Anyway, after the general making outage, everyone headed downstairs and ate some peanut butter. I don't know _why_ everyone ate a bunch of peanut butter, I just know that they _did_.

_**Max's POV**_

After we ate all of that peanut butter, we decided to go to a twig mentoring station, for no reason in particular.

Now, some of you are probably exactly _what_ a twig mentoring station is. Yeah, I don't know, either, but we decided to go to one, anyway.

Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

When we walked into the twig mentoring station, we were immediately pelted with - DUH! - twigs and - get this - marshmallows. The twig mentors continued to pelt us with twigs and marshmallows as we stood there, just... standing there, doing nothing.

After we few minutes of being pelted by twigs and marshmallows, we all got bored and walked out. Of course, all seventeen of us - Max **(A/N: Vera would like to point out that's perfectly alright to talk about oneself in third person, and M.G does agree with her.)**, Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Janice, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Johnty, Ella, Dr. M, Jeb, Akila, and Magnolia - tried to go through a VERY narrow door at the same time. This caused us to get stuck like we had when getting out of Norman's van, but a _lot_ worse, since not only was the door smaller than the doors on Norman's van had been, but also it was _all_ of us jammed into _one_ door, and there were a lot more of us.

We slowly got ourselves unstuck. Angel, teeny tiny six-sometimes-seven year old that she is, slithered out first, followed quickly by Total and Ella. They disentangled Akila and Magnolia from us, then dragged Janice and I out. They pulled me out before Janice, by the way.

After that, we disentangled Fang, Iggy, the Johns (they all came out at the same time), Nudge, Gazzy. Dr. M, and, finally, Jeb.

It appeared that everyone was unharmed, except for miscellaneous injuries caused by Janice, but that was expected.

Ella sighed.

"What is it?" I asked her.

She sighed again. "I'm bored."

"Oh."

We all stood there in silence for a few moments. Nudge suddenly shouted, "Let go to the cheeto factory!"

There was a giant cheeto factory right across town. I mean, it was a giant factory that manufactured cheetos, not a factory that manufactured giant cheetos- oh, nevermind!

Anyway, we headed off to the cheeto factory.

"I LOVE CHEETOS!" Nudge shouted.

"WE KNOW!" we all shouted back.

"I DON'T CARE THAT YOU KNOW! I LOVE CHEETOS!" she shouted at us.

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU SHUT UP! I LOVE CHEETOS!"

"_**SHUT UP ALREADY**_!" Mom yelled back at us, from the driver's seat. We quieted down for a few moments. Then Angel and Gazzy started arguing about whether eating chicken was cannibalism. SERIOUSLY, STUF IT! Get it? It's like "STFU", but rearranged like "STUF" so you don't get in trouble for it and- oh, nevermind!

"We're heeeere!" Jeb shouted at the top of his lungs when we skidded to a stop in front of the giant cheeto factory. "DUUUUH!" I yelled back.

Mom yelled, "Shut uuuuup!"

Fang yelled, "I love Maaaaax!"

Nudge yelled, "Oh Em Geeeee!"

Janice yelled, "I hate theeeee!"

Ella yelled, "Please kiss meeeee!"

Iggy yelled, "Whatever you say, Ellaaaaa!"

They started making out. Odd...

I yelled, "Please kiss meeee!"

_Why the heck did I just yell that!? _I thought at myself. I mentally shrugged.

Fang yelled, "Whatever you say, Maaaaax!"

Then we started making out. Odd...

The Johns **(A/N: I've decided that the Johns are Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, and Johnty, since Janice never really does anything they do.)** yelled, "Cheese is a form of liiiiife!"

Gazzy yelled, "Nazzy suuuuucks!"

**(A/N: Are there are Nudge/Gazzy fics out there? Must look into this...)**

Nudge yelled, "It totally doooooeeeees!"

Angel yelled, "I read miiiiinds!"

Dr. M yelled, "Please kiss meeeee!"

...I don't know to know who was going to kiss my mom. Although, someone must have, since someone yelled, "Whatever you say, Valenciaaaaa!" and I heard smooching noises.

Total yelled, "Don't give drugs kids, give hugs! This message has been brought to you by The National Republic of Canadia, Rice Krispies, and the letter Ñ!"

**(A/N: Saint: -appears- I copyrighted that! -disappears- Moi: -facepalm- Max: Brain damage!)**

Akila and Magnolia yelled, "STUF IT!"

We all quieted down and stopped kissing. Whoa, did Akila and Magnolia just _talk!?_ I must be hearing things...

Anyway, we all silently got out of Dr. M's car (which has magically become big enough to hold all of us) and headed towards the entrance to the cheeto factory.

In order to get into the building we had to sign this petition thingie, which is weird, but not that weird compared to everyone else that had happened. I think the petition was to keep some random dudes named Rob Stewart and Kristen Pattinson from becoming part of the cast of some movie, or something...

**(A/N: Sign St. Fang of Boredom's petition to keep Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart from becoming Fang and Max! Here's the link: ****http :// . com / axtoksrp / petition . html Just dump the spaces.)**

Anyway, we got a tour of the cheeto factory! It was awesome. Uh-oh, better not say that, I don't want Vera and Java to kidnap me and NOOC/IC me again...

Nudge suddenly - AGAIN - shouted, "I LOVE CHEETOS!" and dived into this huge cheeto-making vat. She began eating cheetos at a very rapid rate. Before my eyes, her stomach began to get larger and larger and she started turned bright orange... you are what you eat, after all.

Some of the workers began yelling at her, but Nudge continued to eat as many cheetos as she could shove into her mouth.

_I hope her stomach doesn't burst from all of those cheetos..._ I thought. _Although it would be funny._

Suddenly, Scarlett appeared about twenty feet about the giant vat of cheetos that Nudge was in. "F--KING TELEPORTATION DEVICE!" she screamed as she dropped towards the vat if cheetos.

When she landed in the vat of cheetos, thankfully a ways away from Nudge, whose stomach was still getting larger, there was a bunch of loud cracking noises as she broke a bunch of cheetos in half, and a metallic clang as her feet met with the bottom of the vat. Ooh, that had to hurt.

There were some more cracking noises, though not as loud, as Scarlett swam up through the cheetos. When her head broke through the surface, you could see that she was _covered_ with that orange cheeto dust. She was also cursing her head off.

"THAT F--KING TELEPOTATION DEVICE! I SHOUL'VE F--KING BROKEN IT INTO A MILLION F--KING PIECES! F--K IT! F--K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Scarlett seemed to have some strange infatuation with the f-word...

Anyway, the workers eventually dragged Nudge out of the cheeto vat, but that was after she'd eaten all of the cheetos. Her stomach was HUGE.

Scarlett was thoroughly pissed off at being covered in cheeto dust and missing getting something signed by Scott Westerfield, but she'll deal. Actually, she disappeared again... I'll bet it was the teleportation device again.

They kicked us out of the cheeto factory once they got Nudge out of the vat, since the aforementioned **(A/N: I just realized that I say that word a LOT more than anyone else I know...)** birdkid had eaten a few thousand dollars-worth of cheetos.

Unfortunately **(A/N: I also say that a lot...)**, Nudge had become too big to fit into Dr. M's car, even with the magic expandage, OR fly, so we had a bit of a dilemma.

"We could tie her to the back of Mom's car with a rope and drag her to Mom's house." Ella suggested.

"Naw..." I disagreed. "A rock or something else that's pointy would probably make her pop and explode and get cheeto gunk everywhere..."

"Are _all_ rocks pointy?" Ella asked rhetorically. At least, I think it was rhetorically. Well, I wasn't answering her, whether is what rhetorical or not!

"How about we grab her arms and fly her up really high, then drop her, and when she lands, she'll pop!" Iggy said.

Mom sighed. "No, that wouldn't work, the Johns, Janica, Jeb, Akila, Magnolia and I would get covered in cheeto gunk. Hm..."

"How about we take her back to the vat, and one of us takes a pin and pops her, then flies out really fast?" Angel asked.

Jeb said, "That's a great idea, Ange!"

We all yelled, "SHUT UP!"

He shut up.

I told Angel, "Actually, that's a pretty good idea! C'mon, let's drag her back to the vat..."

Everyone grabbed a hold of Nudge, and we dragged her back through the giant doors of the giant cheeto factory, towards the big vat that Nudge had eaten all of the cheetos in.

Those of us with wings carefully lowered her into the vat, because if we dropped, she'd explode and cover EVERYONE with cheeto gunk.

Once Nudge was lying on the bottom of the vat, everyone but me flew off. That's because they'd given me the pin to pop her with, and _that's_ because I was the fastest flier.

I floated over her, and carefully reached down and poked her with the pin. **(A/N: Moi: -pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke- Max: WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU POKING ME FOR!? Moi: It's a poke war! Max: -facepalm- Moi: Now, don't go causing yourself brain damage, Max! -poke- Teehee. Max: -sigh-)** Then I rocketed out of the vat and latched onto a ceiling beam.

**(Moi: -pokepokepokepoke- Max: STOP POKING ME! Moi: NEVER! -pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke-)**

I watched and, directly below me, Nudge started vibrating. And then, suddenly, a HUGE fountain of cheeto gunk erupted from the teensy little hoke I had poked. Fang, Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Ella, Janica, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Johnty, Dr. M, Jeb, Akila, and Magnolia, who had been standing around the edge of the vat, looking down at Nudge (except in Iggy's case) immediately ran away from the vat.

I watched, slightly disturbed, and the cheeto gunk fountained out of Nudge, and her stomach slowly grew smaller and smaller. Eventually, she was back to her normal size, but she was completely covered in cheeto gunk. Oh, well.

**Hopefully, I'll be able to update again today, like I'm supposed to, but I doubt it. Okay, how about this: this chapter counts as this week's chapter, unless I can write an entire other chapter in the next three days. That sound good? Well, it's what you're stuck with.**

**Oh, and some of the ideas for this chapter came from Sparxflame's fanfic "Fang, Can Sugar Kill You?" It rocks and it's hilarious, you should totally go read it. If you like my schtuff, you'll like it, I promise. :)**

**Hey, does anyone remember a fanfic where Nudge had this plan to get really fat so she could get on Biggest Loser and lose a bunch of weight and instantly become famous? I can't remember what fanfic that was in...**

**Also, even if you haven't read Harry Potter (which I haven't) you should go check out the fanfic My Immortal. It's not meant to be, but it's completely parodic and hilarious. :) Here's the link:**

**http :// myimmortalrehost . webs . com/**

**Just dump the spaces.**

**I realized something ironic: in this fanfic, Scarlett curses a LOT. But whenever I talk to Scarlett, which I do a lot since she's my secretary, she doesn't curse at ALL. Weird.**

**And, finally, you guys should be glad. I typed a quarter of this chapter in pitch darkness, and I couldn't see my keyboard.**

**R&R?**


	8. I, just, can't resist you! MY EYES!

**Hey, everyone! :) I'm updating on time, for once! Yayness! :) Well, really, I guess you could say I'm a week late... but I'm updating on Thursday, aren't I? Oh, whatever, I'm being semantical...**

**Oh, and the second Friday of every month is now, "officially", Universal Sexily Day. What that means is, if you have Twitter, end all of your tweets on October 9th with "-insert name here- tweeted sexily".**

**So far, the people we have participating in Universal Sexily Day are me (FanFiction (obviously) - Vera Amber Twitter - Vera_Amber), Saint (FanFiction - St. Fang of Boredom, Twitter - StFangofBoredom), FlockUpdates (Twitter - FlockUpdates) Skittles (FanFiction - Fangalicous08, Twitter - Skittles223), M.G (FanFiction - M.G Christiani, Twitter - MGChristiani), Wryder (FanFiction - The new Flock member, Twitter - newflockmember), Rain (FanFiction - rainbowstrike, Twitter - rainbowstrike24), and... actually, that's everyone that I know who participated. Well, I think there was someone else who participated... but I dunno who they were.**

**Disclaimer: Vera doesn't own Maximum Ride or "Untouched". James Patterson and The Veronicas own them, respectively. She does, however, own Twizzles, Janice/a, Scarlett, and the Johns.**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

Everyone grabbed a hold of Nudge, and we dragged her back through the giant doors of the giant cheeto factory, towards the big vat that Nudge had eaten all of the cheetos in.

Those of us with wings carefully lowered her into the vat, because if we dropped, she'd explode and cover EVERYONE with cheeto gunk.

Everyone grabbed a hold of Nudge, and we dragged her back through the giant doors of the giant cheeto factory, towards the big vat that Nudge had eaten all of the cheetos in.

Those of us with wings carefully lowered her into the vat, because if we dropped, she'd explode and cover EVERYONE with cheeto gunk.

Once Nudge was lying on the bottom of the vat, everyone but me flew off. That's because they'd given me the pin to pop her with, and that's because I was the fastest flier.

I floated over her, and carefully reached down and poked her with the pin. Then I rocketed out of the vat and latched onto a ceiling beam.

I watched and, directly below me, Nudge started vibrating. And then, suddenly, a HUGE fountain of cheeto gunk erupted from the teensy little hoke I had poked. Fang, Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, Total, Ella, Janica, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, Johnty, Dr. M, Jeb, Akila, and Magnolia, who had been standing around the edge of the vat, looking down at Nudge (except in Iggy's case) immediately ran away from the vat.

I watched, slightly disturbed, and the cheeto gunk fountained out of Nudge, and her stomach slowly grew smaller and smaller. Eventually, she was back to her normal size, but she was completely covered in cheeto gunk. Oh, well.

And now...

_This story started out at a mall, headed through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart, a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane hangar, quite a few funny farms, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof, a Minkle Fur Company store in the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia, the Oak Tower, a millipede growing farm a twig mentoring station, and, of course, a cheeto factor. In this chapter, we start out at a cheeto factory, then head through a bicarbonate anthill, an elephant grassland, and a dreaded Quiditch field._

Well, almost immediately after Nudge had stopped oozing cheeto gunk, the workers kicked us back out again.

We stuck Nudge in the very back of the car, far away from everyone else, since she was still covered in cheeto gunk.

Gazzy and Mom suddenly yelled at the same time, "WHAT THE SEXILY!?"

We all stared at them. They shrugged.

Anyway, Mom drove us back home. We all went into the house, and lazed around doing nothing for the umpteenth time.

I was sitting next to Fang in the living room. We were the only ones there, and we were staring at the television, not really paying attention. Suddenly, I broke out in song.

_-chorus- I feel so untouched_

_And I want you so much_

_That I just can't resist you_

_It's not enough to say that I miss you_

_I feel so untouched right now_

_Need you, so much, somehow_

_I can't forget you_

_I felt crazy from the moment I met you_

Fang was staring at me. After a moment, he blinked. "What was _that_ all about?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. Just felt li-"

_-repeat chorus-_

"-ke it."

Fang was staring at me again. I just shrugged again.

_-repeat chorus-_

**(A/N: I luffles that song... Oddly, whenever I'm listening to a song, I think of ways I can put that song into the story. Like, I was listening to "Untouched", and doing that that popped into my head...)**

Suddenly, Janice ran up. "C'mon, guys! We're goin' to court to get my name changed!"

We stared at her. She dragged us off of the couch, and towards the front door, where everyone else had magically appeared.

We all got into Mom's car, and Mom quickly drove us to the nearest legal office. The second she stopped the car, Janice jumped out the window. Why she didn't just open the door, we'll never know.

Anyway, Janice bounded up the steps of the legal office and yelled at us to hurry up. We shared a mutual shrug, and dived out the window after Janice.

Once inside, we had to wait a few hours for the legal officer **(A/N: Well, they're in a legal OFFICE, so they're going to see a legal OFFICER, right!? -note sarcasm-)** to see us.

The legal officer, whose name turned out to be Twizzles, asked us with a thick southern accent, "Alrighty then, so what brings y'all here tonight?"

We all glanced at each other, then at Janice, though I have no idea how Janice glanced at herself.

"Well, see, Mister Legal Officer," Janice started, "I want change my name from John S. to Janica."

The legal officer nodded and smiled, nodded and smiled, nodded and smiled, nodded and- you get the picture. "Alrighty then, let's change this here name of yers."

So he pulled a file out of nowhere, opened it up, took out some whiteout, brushed some of it onto the page, and after the whiteout was dry, scribbled something. Then he smiled. "Alrighty then, John S., yer name's now Janica!"

**(A/N: Thank you SO MUCH for helping me figure out how to change Janice's name to Janica, Lily! -huggles-)**

The legal officer sure liked starting his sentences with "Alrighty then"...

Janice - I mean Janica - grinned and hopped up. She rushed out the door, and we grudgingly followed after her.

We all got into Mom's car and drove back home. _Well, that was kinda pointless_. I thought.

Angel thought at me, _Not to Janica._

I rolled my eyes.

When we got home, Dr. M suddenly decided that we were going to play charades. We shared a mutual shrug. Angel, _of course_, won. Why is it "of course"? She's a _mind reader! DUH!_

Anyway, Magnolia and Akila were tied for second, the Johns were tied for third, and Dr. M got fourth, not tying with anyone.

After charades we all laid around for the, what, eighteenth time? Whatever.

Well, anyway, the rest of the day actually went pretty normally. Nothing out of this world or completed whacked or anything! After everything strange that had happened over the last few days, _normal_ seemed kind of weird...

It was around twenty-four hours later when the whackyness started up again. The Johns and Janica had decided to live with us for no reason other than it was convenient.

Out of nowhere, ever single one of us - including Magnolia and Akila - decided to go to a bicarbonate anthill. None of us had any clue what a bicarbonate anthill _was_, but we all wanted to go to one, anyway. The solution to our dilemma? Google!

The first thing that popped up was some fanfic called "Matter over Mind" by Vera Amber. I dunno what that's about...

**(A/N: That actually **_**is**_** the first thing to pop up when you Google "bicarbonate anthill".)**

The rest of the results were just the words "bicarbonate" and "anthill" spaced out, so no help there.

Fang, who was looking over my shoulder, suggested, "Try putting your query in quotations marks."

I nodded and did and he said. I frowned at the results. ""Swiftlet tunnel medicine"? I don't think that's it..." I sighed. "We'll never find it."

Janica said, "Try searching "bicarbonate anthills" in quotation marks. Make is plural."

"Okay..."

This time it was two _more_ fanfics, "IMing to the Maximum" and "Nutty Is My Middle Name", and both of them were also by someone named Vera Amber.

**(A/N: Dittoness.)**

Wait, where do I recognize the name "Vera Amber" from? I think it had something to do with a T-shirt and NOOCness... Meh.

Suddenly, a pop-up popped up. Doesn't that sound weird? "A pop-up popped up". It's kind of like "the starter started starting". Wait, I'm starting to sound like Nudge, I should stop now...

It said, "Want to find a good bicarbonate anthill to stop at? CLICK HERE!"

I looked at everyone, shrugged, and click the link. A new Internet Explorer window popped up. Guess what site it took us to? Here's your hint:

Fang screamed. "MY EYES! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!"

If you guessed a porn site, you would be right. Janica, Ella, and I giggled and I clicked the little "x" in the corner. "Okay, Fanangy, I closed it."

He peeked through his hands, which were covering his face. "'Fanangy'?"

I shrugged.

"Hey, why didn't the... uh..."

"Porn?"

"Right... that... why didn't it bother you guys?"

I rolled my eyes. "Fang, I'm a girl. Thus."

Janica and Ella agreed with me.

He looked as if he were expecting us to say something else, but we were quiet. Finally, Ella spoke up. "So how are we going to find a bicarbonate anthill now?"

We shared a mutual shrug. **(A/N: They sure do like mutually shrugging! xD)**

Suddenly, another pop-up popped up. Thankfully, it wasn't for porn. It read in big letters, "SAVE THE SEA KITTENS!" and at the bottom said "pera . org". I blinked and pressed the little "x" again. None of us said anything.

Suddenly, Scarlett ran in, carrying a HUGE book. She gasped for breath, since the book had to weigh a _ton_. "I FOUND A BICARBONATE ANTHILL!"

We looked at each other, then at Scarlett. Fang said, "Show us."

Scarlett dropped the book onto the computer desk, It made a very loud BANG. Scarlett flipped through the book until she found what she was looking for. "Here!" She pointed to somewhere on the page. "Look!"

We all looked where she was pointing at. It was a picture of...

...

...

...

...

...

...a bicarbonate anthill! "YAY!" we all shouted, and rushed down the stairs to show everyone what Scarlett had found. Scarlett, strangely, had disappeared... the teleportation device must be acting up again.

Anyway, instead of all of us piling into Mom's car like we had before when we wanted to go somewhere, we decided to summon the bicarbonate anthill, since the book Scarlett had found said that it was _muchos_ easier.

We did some whacky chant, and, suddenly, a bicarbonate anthill appeared. "YAY!" we all yelled again.

We had fun playing with the bicarbonate anthill. In fact, we played with it for hours! It was one of the funnest days of my life.

When we were done playing with the bicarbonate anthill, it disappeared, but the book that Scarlett had found said that that was normal.

After a few minutes of standing around doing nothing, Johnnay, Johncy, Johnny, and Johnty suddenly disappeared. We called their names and looked _everywhere_ for them, but we couldn't find them _anywhere_.

Eventually, we just gave up, and crashed in our bedrooms.

Y'know, I think Angel must have manipulated Mom's mind at some time of other, since I shared a room with Fang. Of course, I'm glad that Angel did that, since it meant that Fang and I could make out without anyone wondering what Fang was doing in my room for so long! :)

And, yeah, Fang and I were making out. Just so you know.

Suddenly, Gazzy ran into the room, completely unperturbed by our making outage, and started juggling some furry creatures that looked like a cross between a mink and a ferret.

**(A/N: MINKLES! They're so cute! Awwwness...)**

Fang and I stared at him. He was juggling seven or so of the little fluffballs, and they were making this cute little noises that made you want to cuddle with them.

Whoa, wait, what did I just say!? I'm losing my mind...

Anyway, after a few minutes of juggling, Gazzy ran out of the room for no apparent reason. We stared after him, wondering why the heck he'd come into our room while we were making out and suddenly starting juggling.

Then every single phone in the entire house rang.

Now, this might not seem so odd if there were, oh, two phones in the house, then it would be a weird coincidence. But no, there are a _lot_ more phones than two. In fact, there're seven phones.

Now, why would there be _seven _phones in one house? Well, it had to do with the fact that a lot of us had cell phones.

See, there was Dr. M's home phone and cell phone, Ella's cell phone, Janica's cell phone, my cell phone, Fang's cell phone, and Nudge's cell phone. Yeah, we have a lot of phones.

Anyway, _every single one of those phones started ringing at the same time_. It was really creepy... Fang and I answered our phones, and said in accidental synchronization, "Hello?"

Some weird creepy sounding guy said, "You. Will. DIE!" and then he hung up on me. I shrugged, closed my phone, and tossed it over my shoulder.

"DIE!" echoed around the room. I blinked, and looked over at Fang, who was holding his phone about two feet away from his ear. I guess he had speakerphone on...

He shrugged, closed his phone, and tossed it over his shoulder. The was a loud clatter through out the house as everyone shrugged, closed their phones, and tossed them over their shoulders.

There was also a loud "OW!" followed by a loud "ZOI! SORRY!" which meant that Janica had thrown her phone over her shoulder and hit Angel on the forehead, probably.

This was followed by a period of silence, where everyone stared at the ceiling. Don't ask me _why_ we all stared at the ceiling, we just _did_.

Just seconds later, Dr. M walked in. But she wasn't walking on her _feet_... she was walking on her hands. Like, she was doing a handstand, and walking. Does that make sense? That should make sense.

Fang and I stared at her. She shrugged, which looked REALLY hard to do, since she was in a handstand. I didn't even know you could shrug while in a handstand...

But that's beside the point. What's not beside the point is that Dr. M was holding her cell phone with her feet, and that the same creepy voice was still yelling through the phone.

"DIE!" echoed around the space once more, and Mom hung up, using her feet, before the creepy guy could. I wonder how the creepy guy felt about that?

"Well, that was weird." she said. We kept staring at her. She rolled her eyes, then jumped to her feet. "I wonder who the creepy caller was..."

Fang and I shared a mutual shrug. Mom rolled her eyes, then jumped back into a handstand and walked out of our room.

"What was that about?" Fang asked while retrieving his phone from behind him.

I shrugged, not mutually this time. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going hit "redial" and find out what that dude meant by "You. Will. DIE!"."

"Fang, redial only works if we called them. You have to go to "received calls", and call the number it shows. Also, I think it meant we're going to die, Fang." I shot back. "What else could it have meant? That we're going to dye your hair fantastical rainbow colors?"

"No, Max." He rolled his eyes. Suddenly, Ella ran into the room. "What if the creepy guy that just called was one of the creepy guys that took us to that mental institution!?"

Fang and I looked at each other, then back at Ella. We shared another mutual shrug. Ella shrugged in reply. Then everyone _else_ ran into the room, and shrugged in reply to Ella, Fang, and I. That was kinda odd... but odder stuff has happened, so whatevs.

Then all of us, including Fang and I, ran out of the room. Why? Well, the doorbell rang. All of us, _of course_, were extremely hospitable, so we ran to the door to greet out "guests".

Turns out, though, that what had rung the doorbell wasn't anything close to a guest, or friend, or ANYTHING! You're wondering what rang the doorbell, right? Well, it was... ERASERS!

They began attacking us at the exact same time we began attacking them. Well, Magnolia and Akila didn't start attacking the Erasers, they just kind of stood there, but that doesn't matter **(A/N: npi)**.

"But I thought all of the Erasers were dead!" I shouted.

Janica shouted, "ZOI!"

Ella shouted, "Who would kill those little pink things on top of pencils!?"

Dr. M shrugged. Fang yelled, "I guess they aren't dead!"

Ella yelled back, "So they, whoever "they" are, _didn't_ kill the little pink things on top of pencils!?"

Then Iggy and Ella started making out, which was kind of odd considering we were _fighting Erasers_, but I didn't - and still don't - care.

Out of nowhere, Scarlett, Java, Vera, Skittles, Norman, Larry, Princess Charmings, M.G, and Twizzles ran in, and began whacking the Erasers over the head with metal sporks. Of course, I didn't mind - I was glad for the help. We needed all we could get, even if some of the people helping us were a little... odd, to say the least.

Anyway, it took us a while, but we eventually dispatched all of the Erasers. If you don't know what "dispatched" means, it means that we got rid of all of the Erasers. If you _still_ don't know what "dispatched" means, then your hair is probably blonde-colored. But that is also beside the point, so let me get back to the point.

Once the Erasers were gone, we all went back to lazing around. A couple minutes later, someone rang the doorbell, AGAIN!

We all raced to the front door, being our hospital selves. Well, guess who rang the doorbell _this _time? If you guessed Flyboys, you're right!

"Why are Flyboys attacking us when we just got rid of the Erasers!?" Iggy shouted. I don't know why we kept shouting, it's not like we couldn't hear each other or were far away from each other...

Anyway, the Flyboy were SO EASY to get rid of. It's almost as if the School was messing with us... nah. They wouldn't do that... would they? Meh.

Guess what we did when we dispatched the Flyboys? We went back to lazing around, of course!

Oddly, the doorbell rang again. We all looked at each other, then ran to greet our guests, _again_.

Of course, we weren't lucky enough to get any friends. Anyone know who rang the doorbell _this_ time? Well, with the Erasers, and Flyboys, it's kind of obvious... Transformer-bots!

Nudge suddenly shouted, "I'm still covered in cheeto gunk! AH!"

As we fought the Transformer-bots, Fang started tap dancing. We all stared at him, since he was the GOTH EMO PUNK birdkid, and he's the least likely to be tap dancing. Us staring at him almost caused the Transformer-bots to catch us, but a small portion of our brains continued to fight them and we gawked.

We - easily, I might add - defeated the Transformer-bots. Y'know, I always wondered what happened to the Transformer-bots after the Uber-Director bit the metaphorical dust...

We followed up dispatching the Transformer-bots by, you guessed it, lazing around some more. I have no idea why we lazed around so much... it just felt like the thing to do. Hey, maybe Itex was controlling our brains and making us laze around and answer the doorbell in order to capture us! ...or maybe I'm eating too many pixie sticks. Yeah, it's probably the latter.

The doorbell rang for the - hopefully - final time. We all sighed, and, our hospitality quickly fading, trudged to the front door to answer it.

Just our luck - M-Geeks. Of course, it was kind of expected after the Erasers, Flyboys, and Transformer-bots, but still... you'd think those evil scientist at Itex would finally give us a break, but nooo...

So we fought the M-Geeks. Just like the M-Geeks we'd fought before, their weaknesses were their ankles, and their, er, skulls? Yeah, that explains it... not really but kind of.

Anyway, the M-Geeks were, pretty much, the easiest to defeat out of all of the enemy guys. We dispatched them in a few minutes.

When we were done fighting all of the enemy guys that had rung our doorbell (we were sure there were no more, no enemy guys had been created after the M-Geeks), we lazed around some more. I still dunno why we keep lazing around so much...

Suddenly, Iggy shouted, "PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITEBOY!"

We all looked at him like he's nuts, which he totally is. **(A/N: If that line's familiar, it's because it's from Nutty Is My Middle Name (also by me). The exact quote is: "****Skittles: -looks at Vera like she's nuts, which she totally is-")**

He shrugged. And that was when the world came crashing down...

**EVIL CLIFFIE! MWA-HA-HA! xD**

**NOTE: I have absolutely no idea what a bicarbonate anthill is. I might write a oneshot about it, though, so be on the lookout for that.**

**Just so you know, the Johns disappearing was my way of getting rid of them, since I had no idea what to do with them. They might make an appearance in the future, though.**

**Oh, and some of you may have noticed that I changed the summary to "Will be updated every other Thursday", since that's when I update most of the time. So, from now on, this fanfic will be updated every other Thursday.**

**As suggested by Lily, this fanfic will have AT LEAST fifteen chapters in total. I had the word count planned out until chapter eleven, anyway. **

**Thinking of word count, the next chapter will be - _at least_ - 2000 words, the chapter after that 3000, the chapter after that 5000, and... well, I don't know how many words the chapter after that will have, but I plan on the ending chapter having at least 10000 words. :)**

**Also, thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU, M.G! -huggles- **

**And, since I randomly feel like huggling everybody... -huggles all 6.7 billion inhabits of the planet earth-**

**R&R?**

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**By the way, it's not over.**

Okay, so the world didn't _really _come crashing down. But it sure as heck felt like it. And why do I say that? Well...

Actually, I have no idea why I said "And that was when the world came crashing down...", I just felt like saying it. Wait, isn't that OOC? Crap, Vera'll probably kidnap me and make me NOOC again...

Ahem.

Anyway, the doorbell rang, _**AGAIN**_!!! We knew it couldn't be anything sent my Itex, though, so we answered the door with reasonable hospitality.

Some guy wearing a plaid checkered shirt said, "I'm here to take you guys to an elephant grassland!"

We all stared at him like he's nuts, which he totally is.

**-giggles- I luffles messing with you guys' heads... you totally thought that that was the end, didn't you!? Anyway, this is the REAL ending. I promise. xD**

**R&R?**


	9. wHO'S yUKI THE rAT?

**I'm so sorry about not updating on Thursday like I was supposed to! :( I didn't really work on this chapter much, so I had a TON of it to do in only one night, and I couldn't do it...**

**Also, SpellCheck is SO going to kill me for doing this, but... THIS CHAPTER'S GOING TO BE WRITTEN LIKE THIS. y'KNOW, WITH caps LOCK ON? iT'LL BE INTERESTING, THAT'S FOR SURE... Xd. ha!**

**dISCLAIMER: vERA DOESN'T OWN mr, jAMES pATTERSON DOES. hOWEVER, SHE OWNS ocS, AND THE PLOT! tHOUGH NOT ALL OF THE IDEAS USED IN THIS CHAPTER ARE HERS, SHE STILL OWNS THE PLOT. :d oH, YEAH! sHE DOESN'T OWN THE SONG "mISERY bUSINESS" OR cHARLIE tHE uNICORN.**

pREVIOUSLY, ON _mATTER OVER mIND_...

Okay, so the world didn't _really _come crashing down. But it sure as heck felt like it. And why do I say that? Well...

Actually, I have no idea why I said "And that was when the world came crashing down"... I just felt like saying it. Wait, isn't that OOC? Crap, Vera'll probably kidnap me and make me NOOC again...

Ahem.

Anyway, the doorbell rang, _**AGAIN**_!!! We knew it couldn't be anything sent my Itex, though, so we answered the door with reasonable hospitality.

Some guy wearing a plaid checkered shirt said, "I'm here to take you guys to an elephant grassland!"

We all stared at him like he's nuts, which he totally is.

aND NOW...

_tHIS STORY STARTED OUT AT A MALL, HEADED THEN HEADED THROUGH A POOL, A THEATER, A TELEVISION STATION, A wAL-mART, A GRAVEYARD, A BATTLEFIELD REENACTMENT SCENE, AN AIRPLANE HANGAR, QUITE A FEW FUNNY FARMS, A mCdONALD'S THAT GROWS CHERRIES ON ITS ROOF, A mINKLE fUR cOMPANY STORY IN THE mCnATIONAL mALL OF THE sTEAKS OF aMERICANIAN cANADIA, THE oAK tOWER, A MILLIPEDE GROWING FARM,A TWIG MENTORING STATION, A CHEETO FACTORY, AND, OF COURSE, A BICARBONATE ANTHILL. iN THIS CHAPTER, WE START OUT AT AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND, THEN HEAD THROUGH A DREADED qUIDITCH FIELD._

sUDDENLY, THE GUYS (fANG, iGGY, gAZZY, AND tOTAL) STARTED DOING THE cHICKEN dANCE, WHICH WAS KIND OF ODD.

tHEN US, THE GIRLS (ME - mAX, nUDGE, aNGEL, eLLA, jANICA, AND dR. mARTINEZ), STARTED DOING THE bUNNY hOP. oKAY, THAT WAS _REALLY_ WEIRD, SINCE i WASN'T DOING THE bUNNY hOP ON PURPOSE. iT WAS LIKE i WAS DOING IT AGAINST MY WILL, OR SOMETHING.

tHE GUY WHO HAS SAID HE WAS HERE TO TAKE US TO AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND LOOKED AT US STRANGELY. hECK, _i_ WOULD'VE LOOKED AT US STRANGELY, TOO, IF i WERE HIM...

tHE GUY'S CELL PHONE SUDDENLY RANG. hE PICKED IT UP, LISTENING FOR HALF A SECOND, HUNG UP, AND THEN RAN OUT WITHOUT A WORD.

wE SUDDENLY STOPPED DANCING. tHEN i STARTED MAKING OUT WITH fANG, eLLA STARTED MAKING OUT WITH iGGY, nUDGE STARTED MAKING OUT WITH gAZZY, aNGEL STARTED MAKING OUT WITH aRI LIKE HE WAS BEFORE HE WAS AN eRASER, WHO HAD MAGICALLY APPEARED, tOTAL STARTED MAKING OUT WITH aKILA, AND dR. mARTINEZ STARTED MAKING OUT WITH jEB, WHO HAD ALSO MAGICALLY APPEARED. jANICA MUST'VE FELT LEFT OUT.

jANICA MUST HAVE FELT LEFT OUT, THAT IS, UNTIL THE GUY THAT HAS SAID HE WAS TAKING US TO AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND SUDDENLY RAN IN AND STARTED MAKING OUT WITH HER.

i HEARD jANICA MUMBLE, "wHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"yUKI."

**(a/n: tHAT'S DEDICATED TO YOU, sAINT, AND YOUR NEW RAT, yUKI! :d)**

"hI, yUKI. i'M jANICA."

"i KNOW."

wE MADE OUT FOR, OH, i DON'T KNOW, A WHILE? eH.

sUDDENLY, A huge BOX OF rICE cRISPIES APPEARED IN FRONT OF US. wE ALL STOPPED MAKING OUT, AND fANG SUDDEnLY YELLED, "sNAP, cRACK, AND pOPPLE!"

**(a/n: i ACTUALLY SAID THAT! :d)**

wE ALL STARED AT HIM LIKE HE'S NUTS WHICH HE TOTALLY IS. tHEN iGGY SUDDENLY YELLED, "i SEE MEESE!" THE WAY YOU'D SAY "i SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

oDD...

tHEN, GET THIS, yuki SUDDENLY YELLED, "i'M yUKI THE rAT, AND i ROCK YOUR SOCKS LIKE THE cAT IN THE hAT!"

**(a/n: i JUST PUT ON xs KIDS SHORTS THAT FIT WHEN i WAS 3, AND THEY STILL FIT. hOLY CRAP...)**

oUT OF FREAKING NOWHERE, yUKI POKED jANICA, AND SHE JUST FROZE. lIKE A BUCKET OF WATER IN aNTARCTICA... AND i HAVE FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE FIRST THAT, LET ME TELL YA.

tHEN HE RAN AROUND jANICA AND POKED gAZZY. gUESS WHAT? gAZZY JUST FROZE, TOO.

aFTER THAT, HE RAN AROUND AND POKED EVERYONE, INCLUDING ME, AND WE ALL FROZE. i HAVE NO IDEA WHY NONE OF US MOVED, i GUESS WE JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT, OR SOMETHING...

tHEN HE DRAGGED US ALL TO THIS TRUCK, WHICH TOOK forever... yUKI MUST BE A WIMPY WUSS. wAIT, ISN'T "WIMPY WUSS" REDUNDANT? iT'S LIKE SAYING "INSANE SCHIZOPHRENICS"... aNYWAY!

hE HOPPED INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT OF THE TRUCK, THEN - OBVIOUSLY - STARTED IT UP. hE DROVE FOR, LIKE, TEN HOURS. iT WAS really BORING.

hE FINALLY REACHED HIS DESTINATION, i GUESS, SINCE HE SKIDDED TO A STOP, AND JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK. eITHER THAT, OR HE'D BEEN POSSESSED BY SOME DEMONIC HOPPIGN SPIRIT, OR SOMETHING...

gah! ellipse overload!

uM... YEAH...

aNYWAY! yUKI DRAGGED ALL OF US OUT THE TRUCK, THEN HE POKED ALL OF US AGAIN. wE UNFROZE, AND FELL TO THE GROUND SINCE OUT FEET really HURT. yOURS WOULD, TOO, AFTER STANDING IN THE SAME PLACE WITHOUT MOVING FOR TEN HOURS!

wOW... THAT WAS nUDGIAN...

fOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, ANYWAY!

yUKI ANNOUNCED, "wE'RE NOW AT THE ELEPHANT GLASSLAND i TALKED ABOUT! oR, AS m.g CALLS IT, "tHE lAND OF ePICAL gRASSYNESS", BUT SHE'S WEIRD, SO HEY.

i BLINKED. "hAY? bUT i THOUGHT WE WERE IN AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND..."

yUKI FACEPALMED. "i MEANT "HEY", AS IN "AECH-EE-WHY", NOT "HAY", AS IN "AECH-AE-WHY"."

"oHHH..."

eLLA PIPED UP, "wHY ARE WE HERE, ANYWAY?"

yUKI PAUSED FOR A SECOND, THEN SHRUGGED. "dUNNO."

aLL FIFTEEN OF US, INCLUDING yUKI HIMSELF, FACEPALMED.

"wAIT A MINUTE," fANG STARTED, "IF THIS IS AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND, WHERE ARE THE ELEPHANTS!?"

yUKI SHRUGGED. "i THINK THEY MAY HAVE GONE TO GET SOME COFFEE. tHESE ELEPHANTS HAVE SOME SORT OF COFFEE FETISH."

i GRUMBLED. "sTUPID ELEPHANTS AND THEIR STUPID COFFEE BREAKS..."

jEB LOOKED AT ME ODDLY, AS DID mAGNOLIA. tHOUGH i HAVE NO IDEA HOW magnolia LOOKED AT ME ODDLY, BUT SHE DID, i TELL YA, SHE DID!

yUKI SUDDENLY SHOUTED, SOUNDING EXASPERATED, "i'M A HEADHUNTER! i DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CRAP!"

wE ALL STARED AT HIM LIKE HE'S NUTS, WHICH HE TOTALLY IS.

oKAY, i'M GOING TO STOP SAYING THAT, NOW...

aNYWAY! i'M ALSO GOING TO STOP SAYING THAT, NOW...

oKAY, SO, BACK TO THE POINT! yUKI SUDDENLY RAN AWAY, IN SOME RANDOM DIRECTION. jANICA CHASED AFTER HIM, BUT SHE FELL DOWN AFTER TWO STEPS. "zoi!"

sUDDENLY, A huge HERD OF ELEPHANTS APPEARED IN FRONT OF US, THEN CHARGED TOWARD jANICA.

"i GUESS THEY TAKE "ZOI" AS A PERSONAL OFFENSE..." SOMEONE MUMBLED, THEN WE ALL REALIZED THAT SINCE THE ELEPHANTS WERE CHARGING TOWARDS jANICA, THEY WERE ALSO CHARGING TOWARDS us.

"crap!" WE ALL SHOUTED, AND STARTED RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE ELEPHANTS, WHICH JUST MADE THEM RUN FASTER.

tHAT'S WHEN nUDGE POINTED SOMETHING OUT. "uH... YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SOME OF US HAVE WINGS AND CAN FLY AWAY, RIGHT?"

iT WAS AN AWESOME PLAN, EXCEPT... ELEPHANTS COULD JUMP. wHO KNEW?

aNGEL SQUEALED AS A PINK ELEPHANT (WAIT, WHAT!? A pink elephant!?) BOUNDED TWENTY FEET UP IN THE AIR AND TRIED TO DRAG HER TO THE GROUND.

i DON'T THINK ANY OF KNEW WHY WE DIDN'T JUST FLY HIGHER. wE'RE IDIOTS LIKE THAT. aT LEAST IT KEPT THE ELEPHANTS FROM TRAMPLING EVERYONE ELSE...

"oh em squee!" fANG SQUEALED. "i forgot to brush my teeth! and i chewed gum!"

"wHY ARE YOU omsING, fANG!?" i ASKED, STARTLED.

"i'm not pmsing!" HE SCREAMED AT ME. wOW. tHAT WAS really ooc... FIVE BUCKS SAYS vERA AND jAVA WERE GOING TO KIDNAP HIM AND MAKE HIM nooc EVENTUALLY.

tHREE GIRLS THAT LOOKED LIKE TOTAL FANGIRLS POPPED UP. aLL OF THEM SHOUTED AT THE SAME TIME, "pms MEANS pmS!" THEN THEY DISAPPEARED. oDD... aND YOU KNOW WHO THEY LOOKED LIKE? wELL, ONE OF THEM LOOKED LIKE sKITTLES, ANOTHER ONE LOOKED LIKE vERA, AND THE THIRD WAS UNFAMILIAR, BUT I HAD THIS WEIRD FEELING THAT yUKI HAD MENTIONED HER...

**(a/n: tHAT WOULD BE YOU HE'S TALKING ABOUT, m.g. :d)**

gAZZY STARTED SUDDENLY SINGING. "_i'M IN THE BUSINESS OF MISERY, LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP!_"

wE ALL STARED AT HIM ODDLY.

"_sHE'S GOT A BODY LIKE AN HOURGLASS THAT'S TICKING LIKE A CLOCK!_"

"uH... gAZZY?" i SAID.

"_iT'S A MATTER OF TIME YOU BEFORE WE ALL RUN OUT..."_

"wHY ARE YOU SINGING pARAMORE?"

"_wHEN i THOUGHT HE WAS MINE, SHE CAUGHT HIM BY THE MOUTH."_

"gA-ross MENTAL IMAGE..." nUDGE SAID.

"_i WAITED EIGHT LONG MONTHS, SHE FINALLY SET HIM FREE..."_

"gAZZY-" i STARTED TO SAY, BUT HE CUT ME OFF. "_i TOLD HIM i COULDN'T LIE, HE WAS THE ONLY FOR ME."_

"-PLEASE-"

"_tWO WEEKS AND WE HAD CAUGHT ON FIRE."_

"-STOP-"

"_sHE'S GOT IT OUT FOR ME, BUT i WEAR THE BIGGEST SMILE!"_

"-SINGING."

"oKAY!" gAZZY CHIRPED, AND STOPPED SINGING. tHAT WAS ODD... i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW gAZZY _COULD_ CHIRP. aND HE DIDN'T NORMALLY LISTEN TO ME. bUT THAT WAS AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

cONSIDERING THE FACT THAT WE WERE STILL BEING CHASED BY ELEPHANTS, i SHRUGGED IT OFF AND HOPED NOT TO GET IMPALED BY THE ELEPHANTS' TUSKS OR SOMETHING.

nUDGE SHOUTED, "wHO are YOU!?"

i HAVE NO IDEA WHO SAID IT, BUT SOMEONE SHOUTED, "i'M A MEMBER OF THE fRENCH pOLISH tEAM!"

tHEN SOMEONE ELSE SHOUTED, "wELL, i'M A MEMBER OF THE pOLISH fRENCH tEAM!"

wHOEVER THEY WERE WENT BACK AND FORTH WITH COMMENTS ABOUT THE fRENCH pOLISH tEAM AND THE pOLISH fRENCH tEAM, WHATEVER THOSE ARE...

wE WERE, SURPRISINGLY, STILL BEING CHASED BY THE ELEPHANTS. i DIDN'T KNOW ELEPHANTS COULD JUMP THAT HIGH FOR SO LONG...

bUT THAT'S KIND OF BESIDE THE POINT. wHAT'S NOT BESIDE THE POINT IS THAT i SUDDENLY STARTED SPITTING IN tOTAL'S FACE.

oKAY, SO THAT'S also BESIDE THE POINT, BUT STILL...

"shun the nonbeliever!" dR. mARTINEZ SQUEAKED. "shun! ssssshhhhhuuuuunnnnn!!!!!"

jANICA -LE GASP-ED. "cHARLIE THE uNICORN! oh em squee!"

tHE TWO OF THEM STARTED CHATTING AMIABLY ABOUT SOME UNICORN NAMED cHARLIE, WHATEVER that WAS... wOW. tHERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS i KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT.

sUDDENLY, THEY - dR. m AND jANICA - STARTED SINGING.

"lUNGFISH, BLACKFISH, ALLIGATOR, ICEFISH, ARMORHEAD, HAMMERHEAD, ANACONDA, FLATHEAD, MANTA RAY, STINGRAY, FLATHEAD, FANGTOOTH MORAY, GOBLIN SHARK, GRASS CARP, ROUND, RIVER, BAT RAY, NOODLEFISH, HAGWISH, MAN O' WAR, LADYFISH, BLACK EEL, BABY SEAL, SPRAT, KOI, ELECTRIC EEL, LAMPREY, PEREJEY, YELLOW-EDGED MORAY, SALMON SHARK, SLEEPER SHARK, FEATHERBACK, EAGLE RAY!"

tHEN THE SQUEALED LIKE CRAZY fangIRLS AND HIGHFIVED. wHAT THE... WHACKOS.

aNYWAY, THE ELEPHANTS FINALLY GOT TIRED, AND ALL OF THE LITTLE- ER... MEDIUM-SIZED- ER... YOU KNOW WHAT? nEVERMIND.

aNYWAY, THE ELEPHANTS FINALLY GOT TIRED, AND THEY DISAPPEARED IN A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE SMOKE.

_i WONDER WHY THE SMOKE IS RADIOACTIVE?_ i THOUGHT TO MYSELF, THEN SHOOK MY HEAD.

yUKI COMMENTED, "i GUESS THIS ISN'T AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND ANYMORE, SEEING AS WHO THEY'RE AREN'T ANYMORE ELEPHANTS..."

"wHERE ARE WE, ANYWAY?" eLLA ASKED HIM.

"eRM... sOUTH dAKOTA?"

wE ALL SHOUTED, "what!?"

**sHOULD i TYPE LIKE THIS FOR THIS a/n? nAH, BETTER NOT, TOO CONFUSING... (t)here we go! :)**

**Okay, so huggles to M.G (M.G Christiani) for your bloody wicked MCAWESOMENE help with this chapter. I would never have thought of "where are the elephants!?", haha...**

**Wow. This A/N is surprisingly short for Matter...**

**Did you like the format of this chapter? Do you think I should do more like it? Or keep them normal? I need input!**

**Ooh... cinnamon pita chips...**

**R&R?**


	10. Da Llama Show! Attalia enters

**I'm SO sorry about updating this so late! I got sidetracked, with Halloween and Life4Fang Day, and then NaNoWriMo starting... anyway.**

**Okay, so I decided to this chapter the normal way, since I didn't really get feedback on it.**

**Another thing, whoever can figure out how long Max has been awake can ask any question about this fanfic.**

**If Max was asleep for a while, which I don't remember if she was or not, then how long was she awake before that? And how long has she been awake since then?**

**You can ask ANY question about this fanfic. I will answer truthfully. I promise. :)**

**Also, something important! I made a cover for this fanfic! :D I was bored one day, and... Thus. Go here to check it out! The link's also on my profile. (Be sure to dump the spaces!)**

**http:// veraamberwi. deviantart. com/art/Matter-over-Mind-Cover-141678669**

**Whaddya think, guys?**

**The everyone-start-dancing and the Nudge-and-Gazzy-making-out things in the last chapter were Lily's (Lilyth's Flock) ideas. Sorry I forgot to give you credit, Lily!**

**And, final thing, **_**someone**_** helped me with the chapter, and I have absolutely no idea who. It might've been a number of people, I don't know, but I'm **_**pretty**_** sure that Skits helped me some, as did M.G...**

**Disclaimer: Vera owns, like, zilch. James Patterson owns Maximum Ride, and M.G owns Molly the Paratog... I think. However, Vera DOES own the plot, the OCs, and Da Llama Show, so to stealing!**

Previously, on _Matter over Mind_...

aNYWAY, THE ELEPHANTS FINALLY GOT TIRED, AND ALL OF THE LITTLE- ER... MEDIUM-SIZED- ER... YOU KNOW WHAT? nEVERMIND.

aNYWAY, THE ELEPHANTS FINALLY GOT TIRED, AND THEY DISAPPEARED IN A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE SMOKE.

_i WONDER WHY THE SMOKE IS RADIOACTIVE?_ i THOUGHT TO MYSELF, THEN SHOOK MY HEAD.

yUKI COMMENTED, "i GUESS THIS ISN'T AN ELEPHANT GRASSLAND ANYMORE, SEEING AS WHO THEY'RE AREN'T ANYMORE ELEPHANTS..."

"wHERE ARE WE, ANYWAY?" eLLA ASKED HIM.

"eRM... sOUTH dAKOTA?"

wE ALL SHOUTED, "what!?"

And now...

_This story starts out at a mall, then headed through a pool, a theater, a television station, a Wal-Mart,a graveyard, a battlefield reenactment scene, an airplane_ _hangar, quite a few funny farms, a McDonald's that grows cherries on its rood, a Minkle Fur Company store in the McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia, the Oak Tower, a millipede growing farm, a twig mentoring station, a Cheeto factory, and, of course, an elephant grassland. In this chapter, we start out in an elephant grassland, then head through a dreaded Quiditch field._

We all stared at him like he was nutzoid. TOTALLY NUTZOID!

"South Dakota!?" I asked incredulously.

"South Dakota." he confirmed.

"Why South Dakota?"

"Because that's where the only elephant grassland in the country it, that's why!" Iggy shouted.

We all stared at HIM like he was nutzoid. TOTALLY NUTZOID! Anyway...

That's when it started raining gumballs. Angel squeed like a FANGirl and hid under my shirt. Nudge starts snatching gumballs out of the air and popping them into her mouth. As I tried to get Angel out of my shirt, I smacked Nudge over the head. 'You're going to get sick!"

She shrugged and shoved some more gumballs into her mouth. Fang screamed, "THE GUMBALLS! THEY _BURN_!"

Janica patted him on the head. "It's alright Fanangy, it's never rained for more than forty consecutive days..."

Gazzy and Iggy started throwing gumballs at each other. You could hear the little PINGs as the gumballs ricocheted off the birdkids. I have no idea how Iggy kept hitting Gazzy right on the forehead, considering how bad has aim had been when the creepies had been chasing us through Wal-Mart...

Yuki started dancing like a maniac. Or a fanfiction writer on a sugar high. "Hi yee to gah fah tweh tee yuh pok deh truh!" he sang in a high-pitched voice. Then he started tap dancing, still singing that nonsensical song, if it can be called a song.

Dr. M shouted, "PIE!" and dived under Yuki's truck. Ella shouted, "_STAND IN THE RAIN! STAND YOUR GROUND! STAND UP WHEN IT'S ALL CRASHING DOWN!_"

Gazzy suddenly said, "Hey, Iggy, how are you?"

Iggy shrugged. "Apricoty, I guess."

Gazzy blinked. "Don't you mean plummy?"

Iggy shrugged again. "What about you?"

"Plummy, I guess."

Janica marched over. "It's peachy, you idiots, not apricoty or plummy!"

They stared at her, then said, "Oh."

Yuki stopped singing and piped up, "I thought it was pluoty."

Ella smacked him. "No, it's peachy! Idiot..."

I blinked. "Isn't a pluot just a plum/apricot?"

Janica and Ella nodded.

"Then would a Grapple be a grape/apple?"

Janica said, "Uh, I gue-" but Ella cut her off. "No, actually, a Grapple is an apple treated with natural and artificial grape flavoring, not a true hybrid as is widely believed."

Janica and I said, "Oh."

Then it stopped raining gumballs, which was good. Angel got out of my shirt, and asked, "What "schsheese", Max?"

"Um... no clue."

"Me neither." Ella said.

Dr. M jogged over to us. "You guys don't know what schsheese is!?"

Janica said, "And you do?"

"Um... no. I was just surprised that you didn't know."

We all looked at each other, and cracked up. Well, everyone except Nudge cracked up. Nudge jumped into a handstand, reminding me of Mom, and handwalked (?) over to us, reminding me even _more_ of Mom. Then she jumped to her feet, once again reminding me of Mom, and pointed at my mom. "S'not funny!" she screamed. We stared at her.

**(A/N: You know what I REALLY hate? When people say "scream" as another form of "yell" or "shout". IT'S NOT! When someone "screams" something, it's ten times more dramatic then when they "shout" or "yell" something! And people don't seem to get that! Grrr...)**

"It's... not... funny...?" I tried.

She poked my nose. "S'NOT!"

Janica said, "I find it ironic that she's poking your nose and shouting "SNOT!"..."

Nudge spun around and poked Janica's nose. "S'not funny, either!"

Janica blinked, then poked Nudge's nose. "I don't give a s'not what you think about it!"

Nudge blinked, then poked Janica's nose again. "S'NOT FUNNY!"

Janica poked Nudge's nose repeatedly. "I DON'T GIVE A S'NOT ABOUT YOUR SNOT!"

They got into a nose-poking fight that lasted for a few hours. We just stared at them. Finally, the collapsed away from each, panting from the effort of poking each other's noses for so long.

Then Yuki disappeared, and it felt like he had never been there in the first place... it was a _really_ weird feeling. And then, suddenly, all of us were standing in Mom's living room again. Oh... kay... maybe the teleportation device was acting up again? -nervous giggle-

Suddenly the doorbell rang, AGAIN! I mean, yikes! You'd think, with how many times it's been wrung, it'd've broken by now! But no-o-o...

Some guy wearing a plaid checkered shirt who looked EXACTLY like Yuki said, "I'm here to take you guys to an elephant grassland!"

We stared at him.

"Uh, Yuki, you already did that..." Ella trailed off.

"I did?" he asked. "Damn it."

I smacked him upside the head. "LANGUAGE!"

"Ow..."

Okay, so maybe smacking Yuki upside the head for saying "damn it" was a _little_ extreme, but it sure as heck felt good!

Out of nowhere, a little furry creature that looked like a mix between a dog, a parrot, and a cat ran up. "Hi!" it said. "I'm Molly the Paratog!"

**(A/N: -grins at M.G- Molly the Paratog has made an appearance!)**

Then Molly the Paratog ran down. (She ran _up_ to run towards us, so it'd make sense for her to run _down_ if she were running away from us, right? -silence- Right? -more silence- Nevermind...)

Nudge suddenly gasped. "Da Llama Show starts tonight!"

We all gasped with her, and rushed to the TV to turn it on. We got it on the right channel _just_ at the show started.

Thirteen girls that, for some reason, I recognized, said in unison, "Welcome to Epii Un of Da Llama Show!"

The screen switched to a bunch of llamas dancing a weird pattern. Music started playing.

_ The world cracked in half  
The world... cuh-cracked... in ha-half!  
Can you... c-c-can you... ya-you... can you... just take it... take it to the top?  
Oh, my, just just fly, live in the life, and take a fun t-t-trafffffffic!  
Really, it's not, it's not, so s'not  
LL-LL-LL-LL-LLAMAS!  
Or maybe... muh-muh MAY BAE!  
Roll it twice, Just The Dice!  
SHOW MAEEEEEEEEEEEE! The wind to the- fry- fr- f- fry- fr-!  
Evyown, jump the funce! The funkae funce! Duh fence! Yeh-heh-hah-haeeeee!_

The screen switched back to those thisrteen girls. "And that's the end of Epii Un of Da Llama Show! Tune into tomorrow night for the epical Epii Deux! Now here's a sneak peek." They winked.

A lone llama danced across the screan. _Trip-obly-uple-dee-cara dimity_

The thirteen girls bowed, and it went to commercial.

**(A/N: If you want to see what the dancing llamas look like, go here: http : // cookiemagik . deviantart . com / art / llama-cancan-115303000 (Make sure to dump the spaces, and please note that I didn't create it!))**

Then everyone in the room, including me, started jumping around and squeeing.

We all watched Everyone In The Room, Including Me, who I will, from now on, call EITRIM, jump around and squee. It was pretty interesting, actually.

Then EITRIM stopped jumping around and squeeing and quickly ran out of the room. We all shrugged and, like we _always_ do, lazed around for quite a while.

Enter sudden time lapse... here. A twenty-three hour time lapse, to be exact. Why twenty-three? Well, you'll see. **(A/N: That rhymed!)**

_Show me how to move my gruh-rave-oove, I tell ya, mae gruh-rave-oove!  
__Trip-obly-uple-dee-cara dimity, traverse teh lands of common sense, vivity  
Hare the hair, duh-un-dun. fare the fair  
Save it? Trave it? Crave it? Rave it? Pave it? Lave it?  
No, that-tih duh-nent rhyme, fa-thyme, rhyme!  
Bed heads and the air heads and the co-me-dy  
An tea dust ee stab leash men tear ee uh nism!  
FUNKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY flabby kah-doozles_

_Picture moment, Kadok pawls!_

The screen switched to those thirteen girls, yet again. "And that's the end of Epii Deux of Da Llama Show! Tune in tomorrow night for the epical Epii Trois! Now here's a sneak peek." They winked again.

Like last night, a single llama danced across the screen. _Schechesse misspellationallly worse_

EITRIM ran back into the room and started jumping around and squeeing again. Everyone in the room, including me, joined in with EITRIM's jumping around a squeeing.

Eventually, we all stopped jumping around and squeeing, and EITRIM ran back out of the house.

After that, all of us ran through the house to our rooms. Like I said before, Fang and I shared a room, so that's where we headed. Ella and Iggy also shared a room, so they headed there, and Nudge and Gazzy shared a room, as well. Janica found an empty room and shared it with Yuki, while Jeb disappeared and Mom headed off to her bedroom, which she didn't share with anyone.

Anyway.

It was two days and approximately three hours of sleep later that we learned that Yuki had a sister named Attalia. How did we find this out? Well, Attalia arrived at our door.

"Yuki!" she shouted when she saw him. She glomped him, and he squealed like a little girl until he realized that it was her. "Oh, hey Attalia!"

Attalia picked herself off the ground, brushed herself off, then said, looking up at us, "Hi! I'm Attalia, Yuki's sister. Who are you guys?"

We all looked at each, then gave our names.

"Macks."

"Fang."

"Iggy."

"Ella."

"Janica."

"Nudge."

"Gazzy."

"Angel."

"Total."

"Woof."

"Woof2."

"Valencia."

"Jeb."

"Ah..." Attalia said, nodded for no particular reason.

"Why are you here?" I queried. She shrugged. "Just passing through... I heard Yuki was here, and I just HAD to stop by. Hey, you wouldn't happen to be those nutty birdkids, would you?"

"Uh... yeah, actually."

She squeed, they starting running around and huggling all of us. _Oh-kay... _I thought. _She's a nutcase. Fo' sho'. _I blinked. _Where did_ that _come from!?_ I mentally and physically shook my head.

My eyes bugged out when I glanced at the clock. "DA LLAMA SHOW COMES ON IN TWO MINUTES!"

We all rushed towards the TV. Within seconds, we were watching the commercials, waiting for Epii Trois of Da Llama Show to start. Then it did.

The thirteen girls did what they normally did, then the dancing llamas popped up, and the music started.

_Show me duh fwooo...  
Penta hoosit questionaire gigantical people taht be purple!  
FLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY llllllammas!  
Schechesse misspellationallly worse  
The leans aren't-tuh long eeeeeeeeenuhf so we're meerkatting them lost longuh liek withththththth-th thissss!  
But wai', dat was two two loooong!  
Ci-ao peopls like why-duh-lee ooooohhhhh...  
Almost done widdi skit but not quite, yo' yo' yo'?  
PLY DAY FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOOOOYYYYYYYYYYY!  
Plagariasm... Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom!_

We all squeed, and the girls did what they normally did. Here's the sneak peek they gave us: _Drain-o queenz_

"So..." Attalia said. "What the heck is that show about?"

We all looked at her like she's grown another head.

"What!? I'm curious! It just seems like a bunch of llamas doing the Cha Cha Slide while singing gibberish!"

Nudge fainted while we all gasped.

"Da Llama Show," I said, "is the embodiment of everything llama and musical! It is THE show to watch!"

"If it's "THE" show to watch, then why have I never heard of it?"

Angel, Valencia, Gazzy, Akila, and Jeb fainted.

"You've never heard of it," Ella explained, "because you travel a lot. Right?"

Attalia was hesitant. "I guess so... But I still don't see what's so great about it."

Janica, Total, Yuki, and Magnolia fainted. That left me, Fang, Ella, Iggy, and Attalia. Attalia blinked. "Why is everyone fainting?"

Fang shrugged while Iggy stole everyone's popcorn. Yeah, that's right - popcorn. Someone, not sure who, had ran off to the kitchen and cooked seven regular-sized bags of popcorn, so we could eat it while we watched Da Llama Show.

Fang suddenly dragged me off to our bedroom, presumably so we could make out, while Iggy dragged Ella of to their bedroom, leaving Attalia in the middle of the living room. She just kinda stood there, waiting for us to come back or for the others to wake up. Problem is, they never woke up, and we never came back.

...

...

...

...

...

Nah, just kidding. A few minutes later, Yuki woke up, and Attalia and Yuki had a looong talk about something or other while Fax and Eggy occurred and while the others woke up.

Eventually, Mom yelled, "Evyown, get in the dining room! I made dinner!"

We all ran though the house towards the dining room, where the fourteen of us quickly situated ourselves around the dining room table. The Johns magically appeared and joined us for dinner, too, which meant that there were seventeen people at the table in total. Then Norman, Larry, Scarlett, Twizzles, Ari, Skittles, Vera, and M.G ran in, which meant that there were _twenty-two_ of us around the table.

Somehow, there were enough chairs and food for everyone. I had no idea that the table was that big, that we had this many chairs, and that Mom had cooked so much food, but hey...

We all munched the turkey and mashed potatoes dinner, even though Thanksgiving wasn't for another twenty days. I guess Mom was preparing us for the great onslaught of food on the 26th, or something...

Janica suddenly piped up, "Did any of you notice how in exactly one week, it's Sexily Day, and exactly one week after that, New Moon comes out, and exactly one week after _that_, it's Black Friday?"

We all looked at each other, and realized she was right.

Nudge raised her cup of fruit juice into the air. "To Fridayness!"

"To Fridayness!" we echoed, and then we all slurped our fruit juice. Don't ask me why we were all drinking fruit juice, because I honestly don't know.

**In case you haven't read the newest chapters of Nutty or don't read it at all, the "schsheese" thing was a reference to it. And Chrissy/Prissy the Cough Drop stole my raining gumball idea! -rants- (Actually, I think it was Skits' idea, but still...)**

**Um, yeah... also, I have this AWESOME idea for the next chapter. If Phoenix Fanatic ever reads the next chapter, she'll probably get it like that. -snaps fingers-**

**Also, here's a suggestion that Saint (St. Fang of Boredom) gave me for this chapter:**

"**Fang: Random Idea: Man-Eating Pickle Kittens.**

**Saint: Then, I marry Fang and Max goes emo and cuts herself, but the pickle kittens feel sorry for her and take her in to become one of them, so she is raised by the pickle kittens and one day returns as a full-fledged pickle kitten samurai so as to fight me to win back Fang, but, unfortunately, is beaten up by our daughter Athena who has the power to summon up flying giant orange crickets who can shoot out silly putty from their legs so Max is forced to go back to the isle of the pickle kittens and regroup her forces for the next assault, only to be kidnapped by Omega who has become a rockstar in Moldova and he forces her into marriage and they have a son named SuperFly who grows up to marry Athena, thus forcing a truce between the two feuding families, except on Thanksgiving where we attempt to poison each other with platypus venom."**

**-grin-**

**R&R?**


	11. This is the end! The end of the world!

**I'm SO sorry about taking _forever_ to update! :(**

**And since it took me so long, I've decided...it's time to end this fic.**

**I know, I know, I said I'd make it, like, ten chapters longer.**

**But I can't.**

**I could put it on hiatus...**

**But I don't want to do that, not really, because it would be like a trade-off, since I just took IMing _off_ hiatus.**

**So I'm ending it.**

**Once and for all.**

**I could try and continue it.**

**Really, I could.**

**But after not being able to to write a single chapter in SIX months?**

**I couldn't.**

**I really, really couldn't.**

**It would just be "trying", and the trying wouldn't be near good enough.**

**I really _did_ think about this decision, and think about it a lot.**

**But I can't continue it.**

**And since I already had some of the ending written...I'm ending it, instead of just leaving it hanging.**

**The chapter that was originally going to be this chapter? Yeah, the one that all of the leak quotes my besties have been getting? **

**Chances are slim that will ever see the light of your computer screen.**

**It's buried deep in my harddrive. I might do a contest or something someday, and someone might get the entire chapter... I don't know.**

**I do know I will probably never be able to end that chapter.**

**I don't know why. I just...couldn't make it work, y'know?**

**Or maybe that chapter just hated me.**

**I don't know.**

**I really, really don't.**

**I'm also sorry this chapter's so short. It's what I had written for the ending...I just can't make it longer.**

**I could try, if I wanted to, but it just wouldn't feel right.**

**Y'know?**

**And I know I said I was going to make the last chapter 10,000 words long.**

**I really, really wanted to make it that long.**

**And I still do.**

**But I can't.**

**I don't know, maybe...maybe sometime in the future, I can write that 10,000 word chapter.**

**I could remove this chapter, post that, and then post this chapter as an epilogue.**

**And I could include the thing about Nudge being dangled by her designer jeans over a flaming pit of alligators, because I never even mentioned that in the story, just in the thingamajig.**

**I could also have them go to the "dreaded Quidditch field", because, again, that was mentioned in the thingamajig, but not the story.**

**But right now?**

**I can't.**

**So I leave you with this short chapter. **

**I'm sorry.**

**On a brighter note, St. Fang of Boredom (OMG YES THAT ST. FANG OF BOREDOM!!!!1111!!eleven!!!!) FAVED this story.**

**Wow.**

**That's...**

**Epic.**

**And now, for the final chapter of **_**Matter ove**__**r Mind...**_

I blinked, and suddenly realized how totally insane my life was. Green and purple hair? A fight with multicolored fruit? Five people named John, one of them a girl? A funeral for a decapitated marionette? A foodfight at Wal-Mart? A teleportation device gone haywire? A giant Jeb dartboard? ACPLNCAAWMIFDISISMAM? A McDonald's that grows cherries on its roof? The McNational Mall of the Steaks of Americanian Canadia? A millipede growing farm? A twig mentoring station? Some guy named Yuki? Pink elephants? Raining gumballs? _Da Llama Show_? At first, I'd thought this was all just _really_ random, but...

"THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!" I yelled. "WHAT THE HECK IS _WRONG_ WITH US!? WE'VE GONE CRAZY!"

Everyone, excluding Attalia, suddenly realized that I was right, this _was_ crazy. We all looked at each other, with similar _WTF!? _expressions on all our our faces. Then everything went black...

...and I sat up in bed. "Wha..." Then I realized something. "It was all a dream..." I whispered. Everything that had happened, from going swimming at the pool, to having that pre-Thanksgiving dinner, had all been a dream. I couldn't believe it, but what other explanation was there?

I'd finally realized that my life had become insane, and then I woke up. It almost made sense. Almost.

That's when things got weird.

**_Way _back when I started this fic, I'd been planning on making this an infinite FF, like Nutty. But, one day, I realized it needed an ending. So I wrote this. I feel like...well, I feel like it works. **

**Do you guys like the ending? It kind of encompasses the entire "Nothing Is Sane" theme. It also expresses Max's insanity.**

**Yes, if you didn't realize it (which you probably didn't, because I don't think anyone did), this was based around Max's insanity.**

**And I don't mean my type of insanity, either. I mean schizophrenia, _real _schizophrenia.**

**If you guys want, I might write a currently untitled sequel. It'd have a slightly... _different_ approach than this fanfic.**

**In other words, it wouldn't be random. At all. It would be completely serious... it would, for lack of a better word, _explore_ Max's insanity, and the attempt's to cure her. It'd be depressing, to say the least, and completely different from this fanfic.**

**It would also be angsty, _really_ angsty, and I know it'd have some horror, too.**

**So, do you guys want a sequel? Or do you think that this is a good ending to it? Because, if I do the sequel, it would get rid of the happiness vibe. Completely destroy it.**

**Sudden subject change alert, but I would like to thank all of my readers who stuck through to the end. Can you believe I got 574 hits for this story!? Wow. I expected way less than that, heh. Also, I would like to thank my reviewers:**

**Bagoosa**

**Fangalicous08**

**Natvv**

**All-Smiles-.'D**

**M.G Christiani**

**Lilyth's Flock**

**emgem2000**

**AHHHngela Alice likes PIE**

**St. Fang of Boredom**

**Caris L. Clearwater**

**Thank you all so, so much! (:**

**And what do you guys say on the uberdepressing sequel? Yes? No? (Poll on my profile.)**

**Also, if you want more details on what the sequel would be about, PM me, and I'll tell you as much as I'm willing to reveal.**

**Oh, and one last thing:**

**Way back when, long before I'd decided to ditch the chapter, Nat (Natvv) wrote the next epii of Da Llama Show, for the chapter that this was originally going to be.**

**So that epii doesn't go to waste...**

_Rudolf! Ruh- ruh- ruh- ruh- Rudolf! Ruh- ruh-, ruh- ruh-, REINDEER DUH DUN! Dang!_

_Of night the buh buhrds fly... of of of of of duh nuh- night! Fly! Fuh fuh fly awayy! Li- little buh buh buh bird!_

_"No," was the sc- scream of tha the sc-sc-sc-sc-SCREAMER. Sc-sc-sc-sc SCREAM, yo! Sc-sc-sc-sc-sc-sc SCREAMER! To th-th-the birdeer!_

_On- on- on-, onimonopia is a we- we- we- we- weird word! On- on-, on- on-, onimonopeya! Drain-o queenz queenz_

_Uh uh, uh uh... SENTENCE! And a I- I- I- I d-d-d-d-d-don't know!!!! Nuh nuh nuh nuh no onimonopuh puh puh PIA!_

_Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NO!!! J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-just... say.... NO! No! NO! No! NOOO000ooo..._

_Crap! Cuh cuh, cuh cuh, CRAP! Cuh cuh, cuh cuh; cuh cuh, cuh cuh, CRAPKABOBS!  
E-e-e-e-every single muh muh morning! Buh... big bowl of suh... sushie sourkraut!  
D- damn! Damn b-b-bi senstitive guh guh guhss! Tuh tuh TARA!!!! Yo' yo', yo' yo'!  
L-l-l-l-llamas! L-l-l-l-llamas! Muh muh moo at ih ih Ill Eagle!!! Muh muh MOOOOO! LLAMA!!! Illegal Ill Eagle, yo'!_

**Her lines are longer than mine normally are, heh, and I _did_ edit it...but most of that, Nat wrote.**

**Wow, these A/Ns are ridiculously longer than the chapter. Heh.**

**So, um, yeah.**

**That's all.**

**R&R?**


End file.
